Padgett Arango and Johannes Claerbout
EXT DEMPSEY COLLEGE - DAY
Music and credits roll over a series of shots of students returning to this nice, green college campus. Music and credits continue through the following four scenes.
EXT COLLEGE STREET - DAY
The peaceful scenes of students returning is interrupted by the appearance of a red Jeep. The Jeep speeds down the crowded college streets, barely avoiding pedestrians and hitting curbs. The Jeep is driven by JOEY, a really large, yet friendly-looking, frat boy. He turns down frat row, driving recklessly until he spots his frat house, Mu Gamma Delta. The lawn of the house is filled with other identical red Jeeps. He pulls up over the curb and, while simultaneously turning off the ignition, opens a can of beer and begins drinking. He tosses the empty beer car onto the lawn.
INT FRAT HOUSE - DAY
JAY, a frat boy, is seated on a windowsill. He turns around and sees Joey on the lawn.
JAY
Joey?
Joey raises his arms and bellows.
JAY
Joey!
The windows are suddenly filled with frat boys, clamoring Joey's name. Joey steps out of the jeep and stands on the lawn. A rain of beer cans descends upon Joey from the windows of the house. He catches each can as it falls, draining it. Suddenly, the cans stop. Joey looks up to the windows expectantly, where he sees his frat brother tossing a keg out the window at him. Cut to Joey's POV as the keg descends upon him. Cut to black for a second.
EXT COLLEGE STREET
A police car, lights flashing, pulls up to the administration building. POLICEMAN steps out of the passenger door, then steps around to open the rear door. MADELEINE, dressed totally in black and sunglassed, flows out of the back seat onto the ground. The Policeman lifts her up by her elbows. BENTLEY, the Dean of Students arrives from inside the building. The Policeman pulls out a sheet of paper and hands it to Bentley.
POLICEMAN
Bob. How's it going?
BENTLEY
Not bad. I see Madeleine's back for another semester.
POLICEMAN
Sure enough. Sign the release form?
BENTLEY
I have it right here.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a signed release form. He hands it to the Policeman who releases Madeleine, allowing her to slump to the ground. Bentley reaches down and tries to pick her up, but is unable to do so. He looks pleadingly to the Policeman who is stuffing the release form in his pocket as he gets in his car.
POLICEMAN
Not my problem.
The policeman drives off and, as he does so, shouts out the window.
POLICEMAN
See you at Christmas.
We hear a low moaning from Madeleine. Bentley looks around, somewhat distraught.
INT LIMO - DAY
VIVIAN, an androgynous, college-age, well-dressed individual is seated behind ADRIAN and LESLIE, Vivian's parents, both of whom are also well-dressed and androgynous.
VIVIAN
Mumsy and Daddy, you really didn't have to drive me down. I'm sure Ellis would have been happy to do it.
ADRIAN
But, darling, if Ellis drove the limo, who would have driven your new car?
They all chuckle. Adrian rolls down the window and waves to a BMW following behind them. ELLIS, their chauffeur and all-around manservant, is at the wheel. He waves half-heartedly to Adrian while muttering under his breath.
ELLIS
Freaks.
EXT FOREST - DAY
Shot of RAINBEAUX, a young neo-hippie activist girl, lying in a field of grass. She opens her eyes and looks down at her body. She notices a badger gnawing on her leg. She sits up slowly and strokes the badger, speaking sweetly to it.
RAINBEAUX
No. Stop. We're all in this together.
The badger looks up at her, then runs off. Rainbeaux massages her leg and gets to her feet.
RAINBEAUX
Sometimes, doing the right thing hurts.
She reaches out and pushes away the brush, revealing a sweeping shot of the campus. As she begins to walk towards school, the camera swoops over the campus and beyond to a dark corporate office seated on a hillside.
EXT CORPORATE OFFICE
A sign in front of the building reads: "Cancer, Inc."
INT BOARD ROOM - DAY
A number of middle-aged bald white men are seated around a huge oak oval table. At the head of the table is seated BEEZLE, the CEO of the corporation. He looks evil and fat. On the table are piles of money, as well as various important documents. He turns to another fat, evil executive.
BEEZLE
Mr. Crockett. How is our new ad campaign going?
CROCKETT
Wonderfully. You should see our results from Detroit. We've been running this spot for the past week.
Crockett point his remote control at a section of the wall. The paneling slides away to reveal a video monitor.
EXT FANTASY LAND - DAY
Long shot of a cartoon landscape. A rainbow glows in the sky as fairies and unicorns dance through the lovely streams and brooks. The camera tracks backward to show MR BEAR, who is sitting down in the grass, smoking. MR UNICORN playfully prances up to him.
MR UNICORN
Why, hello Mr. Bear. What do you have there?
Mr. Bear holds up his cigarette.
MR BEAR
This? This is my first pack of Sugar Smokes, the only sugar coated cigarette. They don't have that harsh, tar flavor like all those other cigarettes!
MR UNICORN
Cigarettes? Didn't Mr. Pixie tell us smoking was bad for us?
MR BEAR
But I'm a big healthy bear! Would I be smoking if it were bad for me?
MR UNICORN
Say, you're right.
Mr. Bear shoves a cigarette into Mr. Unicorn's mouth. Mr. Unicorn happily blows rings of smoke and tries to catch them on his horn.
AUDIO: Happy cartoon voices sing, "Not going to listen to what the pixies say. I'll use Sugar Smokes every day."
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Remember kids. Send in three Proofs of Purchase for your free Sugar Smokes coloring book!
Mr Bear and Mr Unicorn wave at the camera as a MR. PIXIE runs quickly across the screen waving some sort of banner.
INT BOARDROOM
Polite applause from the assorted board members. One younger, seemingly shy board member, WILSON, raises his hand.
WILSON
I...I, uh, thought we weren't allowed to run TV ads for cigarettes.
CROCKETT
It's not an ad. It's a donor acknowledgement. We sponsor Sesame Street.
WILSON
Oh. Don't we need a disclaimer or something?
Everyone laughs.
BEEZLE
You're new here, aren't you?
WILSON
Yes, sir.
BEEZLE
Watch closely.
Beezle nods to Crockett, who rewinds the tape, freeze-framing it on the shot of Mr. Pixie and his banner. The banner clearly contains a bit about the hazards of smoking.
WILSON
Ah, I see.
BEEZLE
I don't! Crockett! I thought we agreed that we were going to print the disclaimer backwards Our lawyers said we were safe.
CROCKETT
Sorry, sir. I must have missed that meeting. That was the week you had me on the asbestos chewing gum campaign. You know, with the pink wrappers?
BEEZLE
Ah, yes. How is that going?
CROCKETT
The ad campaign is pretty much nailed down, but we're having trouble securing a new celebrity spokesperson.
BEEZLE
Sarandon fell through? What about Stone?
CROCKETT
Fabulous idea, sir.
Crockett looks excited. Beezle chuckles.
INT FRAT HOUSE
Joey is sitting on a couch in between Jay and SLUGGO, both of whom are chugging beers while Joey applies a compression pack to his forehead. The wall behind them is covered with posters of muscle cars, women, and large bottles, mugs, and cans of beer. Annoying cock rock can be heard in the background. Slightly stained yellow linoleum tile covers the floor.
JAY
Joey, man, it's good to have you back. Where were you all summer?
SLUGGO
Yeah. Why didn't you stay in the house? We had some great parties.
JOEY
Went out to live with Betty in Connecticut. She said we needed to spend some time together. Said that we never...you know, talk. Women like to talk.
SLUGGO
I like to talk. Can I call her?
Jay punches Sluggo.
JAY
Hey, give it some time, okay? Our brother was just released from his...commitment. He needs time. He needs... beer.
JOEY
Yeah. Yeah. Beer won't sleep with your brother. Or your uncle.
INT MADELEINE'S ROOM - DAY
There is no furniture in the room, just a series of mattresses on the floor and assorted black objects. The window has been bricked over. Black lights have been placed into the fluorescent light fixtures. Madeleine walks into the room and over to the bricked-over window. She removes one of the bricks and winces in pain as the light cuts into the room.
MADELEINE
Still there. Still there.
She struggles to replace the brick, and finally manages to do so. JOACHIM, a similarly clad friend of Madeleine's, stumbles into the room, collapsing onto the mattresses. He emits a dull laugh as he lies face down. Madeleine does not react for five seconds. She then turns and collapses next to her friend. They turn their heads so they face one another. As they talk, there is a significant pause in between each snippet of conversation.
JOACHIM
Hey.
MADELEINE
Hey.
JOACHIM
Summer?
MADELEINE
Rehab. Saw Jaco.
JOACHIM
I thought he was dead.
MADELEINE
So did he.
JOACHIM
Hmmm. Want some smack?
INT RAINBEAUX'S ROOM - DAY
Rainbeaux is settling into her new room. Several large, unlabeled boxes are in one corner of the room. In the other are smaller boxes labeled, "Susan," "Tammy," "Linda," and "Camile." Rainbeaux's friend, BIOPHENA, is playing a small drum in the corner. Both are sitting in the lotus position.
RAINBEAUX
I feel much more centered in this room.
BIOPHENA
Doesn't surprise me. You don't have all those tree carcasses this year. I'm amazed those phallocrats in administration went along with your request that all dorm furniture be made 100 percent from recycled Ben and Jerry's cartons.
Rainbeaux smiles, then suddenly looks distressed. She bolts over to the desk, which, upon closer inspection, is in fact made of crushed ice cream cartons. Rainbeaux is anxiously scrutinizing the desk leg.
RAINBEAUX
Not just any Ben and Jerry's cartons! I said only Rain Forest Crunch! Damn it! If those corporo-pigs tried to slip a Cookie Dough or a Chunky Monkey into these, I'll...I'll..Bio! Where are my petitions? I've got to go get signatures. I've got to go...
BIOPHENA
Sister. Don't be, like, such a scrotum carrier! Just relax. Remember, the administration is keeping your presigned petitions in their offices this year to simplify things. Just go in tomorrow and write your cause at the top, okay?
RAINBEAUX
I'm sorry. It's just that...you know...I've got some testosterone in my family.
BIOPHENA
Dad?
RAINBEAUX
Yeah. Just the thought makes me quiver.
BIOPHENA
Just forget it. Not your fault. The double egg child is still years off. Why don't you cool off by unpacking some of your stuff?
RAINBEAUX
You're right. It'll be good to see my friends again.
Rainbeaux and Biophena start to unpack the large, unlabeled boxes, which contain rolls of sod. The two unfurl the sod on the floor. As the lush grass begins to cover the floor, Rainbeaux begins to unpack the small boxes, each of which contains a plant of some type. She talks to them as she plants them in the freshly laid sod.
INT VIVIAN'S ROOM - DAY
Ellis is unpacking Vivian's possessions as Adrian and Leslie criticize him.
ADRIAN
Really, Ellis. I'm seriously considering whether your work is worth being able to live in the garden shed for free. I'm starting to wonder if we should begin to charge you.
ELLIS
I'm sorry, Ma'... er... si... Adrian. I'm sorry, Adrian.
ADRIAN
And another thing. What makes you think that you can address us by our first names?
VIVIAN
Adrian, don't be so tough on...
Vivian looks at Ellis disdainfully.
VIVAN
...him. He's been with us fifteen years. Isn't it time we stopped threatening to throw him out of the garden shed?
LESLIE
Oh, Vivian! Where did you learn to speak like that!? This place. This haven of smelly communists is already making you forget about the distinctions between us and... them. Really, next thing I know you're going to ask us to give him a mattress or to forgive his grandfather's debt. Please, darling! Your classes here aren't the only ones that matter. Ellis! Hurry up. We need to get back in time for the soiree at the club. Chop chop!
INT BOARDROOM - DAY
Much of the board has left, leaving Beezle alone with his stacks of money. An accountant walks in.
ACCOUNTANT
Mr. Beezle, sir, I've been looking over the company's investment portfolio and I've noticed something about our diversity.
BEEZLE
Our diversity?
ACCOUNTANT
Yes, sir. The diversity. It might be good to... diversify our investments.
BEEZLE
Damn it, Underling! I don't care what you say about diversity! I refuse to invest in any more homosexuals. No fashion sense.
ACCOUNTANT
No, sir. What I mean to say is that we should broaden the nature of our investments. You know, beyond baby formula for Africa. Beyond strip mining in Brazil. Even beyond propping up those corrupt Middle Eastern military dictatorships.
BEEZLE
Corrupt? They're good men. Don't you listen to that Dan Rather. They're good men.
ACCOUNTANT
Yes, sir. What I think is that we should look to invest more in this country.
BEEZLE
Don't be silly. Both you and I know that a corrupt military dictatorship wouldn't last a week in this country. Damn ACLU!
ACCOUNTANT
Sir, we can move past those foreign dictatorships while still being sensitive to Cancer Inc.'s sense of corporate... corporate..
BEEZLE
Responsibility.
ACCOUNTANT
Exactly. Responsibility. Sir, I think that we should look into buying a school. In face, I have one picked out. It's just a couple of miles from here, in Eastern...
BEEZLE
Wait! Let me call in the rest of the board.
INT DINING HALL
Camera swoops around on a large dining hall that is packed with students. The place is bustling with activity as assorted hungry students mill about stuffing themselves. The camera finally settles on a corner table, at which Madeleine and Joachim have seated themselves. Neither are eating. Joachim laughs. Madeleine laughs. A couple of preppy girls come by and sit down at the far end of their table. Joachim and Madeleine both begin to laugh uncontrollably. The preppy girls wander off. The camera sticks with the two girls, until we hear Joey bellow off-camera. The camera swings around to show Joey, Sluggo, and Jay entering the dining hall. Everyone has turned to look at Joey, but, after a moment, turn back to their food. A few other beefy frat boys come up to them. Hi-fives all around. The jocks begin moving through the cafeteria line, piling food onto their trays.
SLUGGO
Joey, man, it's really good to have you back here at... at....
JAY
Dempsey.
SLUGGO
Right, Dempsey. We missed you, man. It was amazing how they actually let us stay in the house all summer!
JOEY
Yeah. How did you guys swing that anyway?
JAY
Well, we told the school that we were going to do some work in the community. Something with orphans.
JOEY
How'd it work out?
JAY
Oh, not bad. Damn suckers are needy, though!
An ORPHAN appears by Jay's side, holding a bowl and wearing a plaintive expression.
JAY
Is the bathroom clean? And the beds made?
The orphan looks down at his bare feet.
JAY
Then, shoo! Get back to the house. And don't burn the pot roast this time!
SLUGGO
You've been really good with him, man. I think he really likes you.
JAY
Yeah, I'm just trying to give him some discipline. They say that the problem with kids these days is that they don't have any strong male role models in their lives. So, I figure, you know, that's me. Strong.
Jay flexes his muscles, which are, admittedly, impressive. JIMMY, one of the other frat boys, speaks up.
JIMMY
But you want to make sure that he doesn't get too attached. That little Jorge? He followed me around for two weeks after I started feeding him.
SLUGGO
Just like a woman. Huh, guys?
JIMMY
Yeah, man. What happened with Betty, anyway?
JOEY
I don't want to talk about it, really.
SLUGGO
C'mon. She broke up with you, didn't she?
JOEY
Well... yeah.
JAY
I told you you should have just stayed with your brothers! We did all kinds of great things when you weren't here. Like that first day, that day you left, we... we...
JIMMY
We drank.
JAY
Right! And then, the week after that, when you wrote us that postcard? We... We....
JIMMY
We drank.
JAY
Well, sure. But then, the next day! The next day, we went out to the beach and...
JIMMY
We drank.
JAY
Well, all right. We like beer. But not just any beer. This was the best.
SLUGGO
Milwaukee's Best.
JAY
Yeah.
JOEY
I should've stayed here.
The camera swoops around to a table on the other side of the room, at which are seated Vivian and a few other effete arty types. They are picking at their food. One of them, RENE, an excruciatingly pale beret-wearing painter type shoves the plate away in disgust.
RENE
Well, that's enough for me. Anyone else need to purge?
Several others at the table murmur in agreement and head off with Rene, leaving Vivian alone at the table with MICHEL, a rather well-dressed poet sort of fellow.
VIVIAN
That's such a disgusting habit.
MICHEL
I couldn't agree with you more.
VIVIAN
If only they had the self-restraint to simply not eat, they'd never have to worry about it.
MICHEL
Exactly. It's a little... déclassé, if you ask me.
They both chuckle politely.
VIVIAN
So, what courses are you talking?
MICHEL
Well, it was very difficult for me this year. I could only find one course that was even remotely interesting - "The Failure of Working Class Literature." So, I had to get my father had to call and fix things.
VIVIAN
Oh, I have to do that almost every semester. He's endowed three chairs in the Aristocrat Studies department.
MICHEL
I know. It's such a bother to have to go through this every year. You'd think they'd just force some of these other professors to teach reasonable courses. I mean, listen to the name of this course I had to sign up for. "Contemporary Issues in American Politics."
VIVIAN
With Professor Holmes? I had to sign up for that too. There was simply nothing else.
MICHEL
I only signed up for it because there was only one space left and the two people in line behind me wanted to get in very badly. I figured, if this course is de rigueur for the more proletariat students, why not give it a try?
VIVIAN
It's always fun to slum a little, isn't it?
They chuckle demurely. Camera sweeps over to a table filled with a number of women, including Rainbeaux and Biophena.
RAINBEAUX
I don't know about you, friends, but it sure feels weird to be back in the gonads of the system.
MARY begins to speak. She is a hip-hop communist. She wears an enormous hammer and sickle around her neck that functions as a clock. She tries to affect an aloof attitude, yet strives to be perfectly in synch with the working man (or person, rather)
MARY
Just remember why you're here sister. You're here to stick it to the man, like I know you can. You're on the plan. Just stay out of those tangles. Whoop! Time to work the angles.
TAMMI begins to speak. She is an Evangelical lesbian in support of gun rights. She wears a T-Shirt that reads - "Christ is Coming - Let's get busy" and a necklace of a female symbol with an exaggerated crucifix in place of the traditional cross. She is chewing Skoal.
TAMMI
Mary, you're right as always. But your godless rhetoric will get you nowhere. The words of Jesus are very much for armed insurrection. Just read Matthew 10.34. Those penis-worshippers will never learn the true message of grace. A shame, really. I feel for their souls. So ... who wants to go shootin' after lunch?
Tammi spits into BETSY's glass. Betsy, who is working on her blueprint to overthrow the capitalist system, does not notice. Biophena, who is now wearing a burlap sack and nothing else, speaks up.
BIOPHENA
Tammi, don't you realize that you're just despoiling the environment? We must live in harmony with our humanity-impaired furry sisters and brothers.
TAMMI
Oh, please. Did you even crack your Bible? Genesis 1:28, doll. Subdue the earth. Dominion over the animals. Submission. Domination.
Tammi begins to fondle her glass in an inappropriate manner.
TAMMI
Where is Nancy, anyway? We were supposed to hang out tonight?
BIOPHENA
You're so anthropocentric sometimes, Tammi! There are other important things in life. Like that cow who died to make your pants. Or your boots. Or that... that...
TAMMI
My bustier?
BIOPHENA
Whatever you people like to call it.
TAMMI
You people? You people?!? Is that your little code word for Christians? For lesbians? Oh, I get it. This is about the guns, isn't it? You petty environmentalists, willing to kill the whole human race...
BIOPHENA
Me kill the human race? If I recall, you were the one who wanted to blow up the school because you thought it was... what was it?
RAINBEAUX AND MARY
(together)
(together)
"Full of bleeding-heart, gonad-glorifying Satan worshippers."
BIOPHENA
Yeah, that was it.
TAMMI
Look, you little Al Gore freak! You think that there is a line between the government telling you who you can worship, what you can defend yourself with, and who you can sleep with? There isn't! What are you going to do when they take away that little hemp sack you're wearing?
MARY
Hemp? You've got weed? Workers of the world unite!
Mary lunges for Biophena's burlap sack. They begin to tussle.
RAINBEAUX
Sisters. Sisters! We've only been back a few hours, and we're already fighting. How are we ever going to free ourselves from the capitalist, male-centric, urbanphobic, homophobic, christianphobic, envirodestructive juggernaut? It's only with unity...
TAMMI
And guns.
RAINBEAUX
Fine. It's only with unity and guns will we be able to rise up against them. We must rise up against the white man.
ALL
Yes. Rise up against the white man.
INT BOARDROOM - DAY
Beezle stands before the board.
BEEZLE
Gentlemen. I have a bold new idea. We need to break new ground, and I think that I have found the way for Cancer, Inc to blaze a trail into the 21st Century. Think about that number, gentlemen. 21. What does it say to you?
The board members look around cagily.
BEEZLE
What 21 says to me is that it is the age that young people prepare to leave college and go to make their way in the world. It means that they've spent the previous four years in college. Learning whatever that college taught them. Now, gentlemen; do I have to remind you what kind of people give us the most trouble here?
BRACKETT
The disabled?
CROCKER
Women?
WILSON
Those damned Irish?
BEEZLE
No! None of you are thinking! Is this what I pay you for? No, who gives us the most trouble are reporters. College educated reporters. Why? Because these kids, they go to college. They don't watch our commercials. They don't come on free tours of our plants. They don't even like our hip new corporate T-Shirts. We're not getting through to them. And if we're not getting through to them, do I need to remind you, gentlemen, that someone else is? And who is?
CROCKER
Liberals.
BEEZLE
Exactly. Gentlemen, today is the day that Cancer, Inc gets those children back! Today is the day that we make an enormous investment in America's future consumers. Today is the day that we buy Dempsey College!
He unveils a large color portrait of Dempsey, much to the confusion of the suits sitting around the table.
WILSON
A school? We're buying a school?
CROCKER
But Dempsey is always rated Number One by the magazines! We could never afford to buy off all the trustees!
The accountant steps out of the shadows.
ACCOUNTANT
Well, actually, if we liquidate out manufacturing interests in North Korea as well as Nigeria, in addition to cashing out our interests in a majority of our domestic investments, we can assure each and every trustee at Dempsey professional publication of their work, plus a spacious ranch in the Midwest. And, if we sell off our sausage plants in Detroit, we can guarantee their books a spot on the best seller list.
Beezle nods, then waves the Accountant away. The Accountant fades back into the shadows.
CROCKER
I'm not sure. It still seems risky. I mean, you're talking about divesting 90% of our holdings. All in this one venture!
BEEZLE
Do I have to beat you over the head with it?! This is our chance to finally tip the scales in our favor! This is our chance to get our message in unfiltered! This is our chance to do what the liberals have done for years! This is our chance to be as powerful as Barbara Streisand!
General agreement that members would like to be as powerful as Barbara Streisand.
BEEZLE
All right, then. We go ahead with the plan. Underling! Draw up the papers. Today is the day, Cancer Inc takes control.
He pounds the table with his fist and laughs menacingly.
INT COLLEGE CLASSROOM.
A small classroom, filled with a number of students. Our four heroes are visible, each one sitting only with members of his or her clique. The professor is an energetic young man in his early thirties, PROF HOLMES. Prof. Holmes wears a white shirt with its sleeves rolled up, a tie, and jeans.
PROF. HOLMES
Welcome to my class, Contemporary Issues in American Politics. Is everyone in the right place? Good. Now, I don't really feel like lecturing today, so I thought that we might just, well, have a little roundabout discussion. Tell you what; let me write a phrase on the board, you tell me what you think. It'll allow us all to get to know each other a bit better, relax, and maybe, just maybe, get around to some politics.
Prof. Holmes writes the words "Christian Right" on the blackboard. Before he can even turn around...
JOEY
They're neither!
He high-fives his friends. Prof. Holmes turns to him.
PROF HOLMES
So, we have a volunteer. You, in the backwards baseball hat!
Joey and his friends, all of whom are wearing backwards baseball caps seem perplexed.
PROF HOLMES
Mr. Stanton. Why do you say, "They're neither"?
JOEY
Because they're not. They're, like, fascists.
HOLMES
Poignant. Anyone else?
Rainbeaux raises her hand. Holmes nods at her.
RAINBEAUX
I think that, well, my parents raised me to respect the sun and the moon and the animals around us and people from other religions. And the Christian Right wants to destroy all of that.
HOLMES
Profound.
He points to Madeleine.
HOLMES
You want to say something?
MADELEINE
They want to make us all Christian.
VIVIAN
They want to kill women who have abortions.
JAY
They're just too extreme.
HOLMES
Interesting that you should say that. I couldn't agree more. They're just too extreme. Just like those damn feminists, huh?
At this point, Rainbeaux nearly falls out of her chair. The rest of the class is similarly shocked.
RAINBEAUX
What do you mean, damn feminists!?! Who are you talking about?
HOLMES
Oh, come on now. Those feminists are always saying extreme things! They say that all sex is rape. They want there to be no difference between the genders. They want the schools to throw out everything ever written by a white man...
MADELEINE
Professor, that's unfair! You're taking the work of a few feminists and blowing it all out of proportion! You're using these few extreme phrases and trying to describe the entire group as some bunch of Satan-worshipping lesbians!
HOLMES
Oh, please. I'm always reading in the paper about one saying she wants girls to play with trucks and boys with dolls. Another one wants to castrate man who sexually harass women. Let's be honest. It's in all the papers. They're just too extreme.
MADELEINE
But that's just because the papers are trying to make a story! They don't want to dig any deeper!
VIVIAN
I think they're just worried that they might agree with it.
JOEY
Yeah ... I know this feminist. She never tried to castrate me; not even after that time with the cheerleaders in the pool last semester. You're really being unfair to them, professor.
PROFESSOR HOLMES
All right, you've all spoken up eloquently in defense of feminism. Maybe I was wrong to just go off what I read in the papers. Who wants to tell me why what I read about feminists is not true and everything I read about the Christian Right is?
There's silence in the room.
PROFESSOR HOLMES
So I fibbed; there's going to be a little lesson today after all. The first lesson of American Politics is that it's not all black or white. There's more gray in the world than the media feels like telling you about. Are you pro-choice or anti-abortion? Activists want you to believe that it's one or the other, and that America is spit down the middle. That's a lie. There's about 10-15% on either side who believe in no restrictions of full prohibition, the rest of America, some 70-80% fall in between. Think about it! Abortion, religion, health care; these are all incredibly complex issues, and a two word phrase isn't enough to sum up someone's views. That's how I want you to go into this class. We're going to look at all the hot issues of the day, and I mean really look at them. You're going to hear every from every angle that's out there; then I'll make up a couple angles on my own. Over the next four months you're going to be treated to the entire smorgasbord of American political thought: Left, Right, Socialist, Moralist, Libertarian, Vegan, Cannibal ... whatever we can find. So I want you to clean off your plates now, and get ready to jump in line. Okay, I'll let you get out of here early today. Show up early for class on Thursday; we have to make it to the protest by noon.
VIVIAN
What protest?
PROFESSOR HOLMES
At that clinic down on Fourth that performs abortions. Everyone whose name starts from 'A' to 'M' will be joining Operation Rescue, and everyone else gets to join the clinic protection protest with the National Organization for Women. The whole class will write essays on how their opinions were changed or reinforced by what they saw at the rally. For homework; come up with some signs.
After Professor Holmes has dismissed the class, Joey and Rainbeaux come to his desk.
RAINBEAUX
Professor Holmes, there's a mistake. I can't do this. I'm pro-choice.
JOEY
Yeah, and I'm pro-life! I don't want to march with any women from NOW!
PROFESSOR HOLMES
All right. Rainbeaux. Turn to him and say, "It's a child, not a choice."
RAINBEAUX
It's a child, not a choice.
PROFESSOR HOLMES
Good. Now, Joey, you respond "Get your laws off my body!"
JOEY
Get your laws off my body.
PROFESSOR HOLMES
Oh, you two can do better than that. Louder!
RAINBEAUX
(yelling)
It's a child, not a choice!
JOEY
(yelling)
Get your laws off my body!
The two exchange chants for several seconds more.
PROFESSOR HOLMES
You guys will do just fine. Incidentally, have either of you been to prison before?
INT BOARDROOM
Mephistoph is talking with TRUSTEE in the boardroom at CANCER.
BEEZLE
So, tell me about this paper again.
TRUSTEE
It's entitled "Emancipatory Physics: Emotionalizing Gravity"
BEEZLE
Interesting. What about gravity needed emotionalizing?
TRUSTEE
Thirty-two feet a second. In America, in Africa, in Asia. What if that's too fast for you? What if you feel that it should be less, maybe fifteen feet a second. Maybe something happened in your childhood; maybe you were dropped as an infant, or you fell from a great height. Physicists must be willing to reach out to those who still bear the scars of what physics has done to them. So, we "emotionalize" gravity. I'm quite happy with it.
BEEZLE
That's all that matters, I suppose. So, we're going to publish this in Social Text or the Journal of Quantum Numerology?
TRUSTEE
I was thinking more along the lines of the Washington Post.
BEEZLE
I see. Could you excuse us for a moment?
The trustee nods. Beezle gestures to the Underling in the room. They move to the back of the room.
BEEZLE
Look, idiot! There's some things we just can't do with money! The Unabomber had to kill three people to get into the damn Washington Post! And now I've got to get this fruitcake in there just because he's the last trustee holdout?
UNDERLING
Once we have him on board, sir, we're home free. It will give us a majority of votes and we can buy the college outright.
BEEZLE
Will two full page ads be enough to carry your article, sir?
TRUSTEE
Better make it three.
INT BOARDROOM
Mephistoph is seated, speaking with the accountant.
BEEZLE
So, now what is this urgency over which you've gotten yourself so worked up, Underling?
ACCOUNTANT
Well, it's just that running a college can be a very tricky investment. There's all sorts of ...
BEEZLE
Nonsense. Don't you read the papers? Enrollment's up! School's are practically turning them with a stick!
ACCOUNTANT
Well, I uh...
MEPH
Everything will be fine. It's a school. How can we not make money?
INT ADMISSIONS OFFICE - DAY
A woman is sitting behind a desk in the admissions office. Joey runs in.
JOEY
Sammi! Sorry I'm late for the tour! It's just that I got caught up with some things back at the house and...
SAMMI
Oh, Joey! I'm sorry I forgot to call you about giving the tour today.
JOEY
Forgot to call me ... about what?
SAMMI
We don't need you to give tours any more. New policy from the administration. Only professional tour guides.
JOEY
I am a professional!
SAMMI
Look, Joey. I don't know who these guys are. They showed up this morning with a note from the board of trustees. They kind of give me the creeps.
JOEY
Give you the creeps?! They're giving me the shaft! I'm going to sort this out right now.
Joey strides past Sammi's desk to confront one of these new tour guides, who is addressing a small group of teen-agers and parents. The tour guide is tall, wearing a dark suit and sunglasses.
TOUR GUIDE
...I think that, especially compared to the alternatives, you will find Dempsey to be not only competitive but superior in both overall cost and value per credit unit.
TEENAGER
I've been looking at other schools. How does this school compare to Stanford or Pomona?
TOUR GUIDE
Why would you want to go those schools? They suck.
MOTHER
Excuse me? What did you just say?
TOUR GUIDE
I said that those schools suck. They're for pussies. Here at Dempsey, we believe in giving our students a more in depth, career-centered training education.
MOTHER
Career training?
TOUR GUIDE
Yes, just today in fact, we signed an agreement with Cancer Inc. to have our undergraduate engineering students participate in an unpaid internships at the bromide plant.
MAN #1
But what about the students who aren't engineering majors?
TOUR GUIDE
Who aren't .... you mean like the physics majors?
MAN #1
No, like the English majors, or philosophy students!
TOUR GUIDE
Oh yes! We have jobs for them as well.
MAN #1
Where?
TOUR GUIDE
Oh, in the lobby, primarily. But you're taking me off the real topic here. What I wanted to tell you people about was our new "Guaranteed 'A'" policy. It was designed for today's busy students too caught up with things to study. By guaranteeing all of our students a 4.0, we ...
JOEY
What the hell are you talking about? Lit majors working at chemical plants? Guaranteed 4.0s? What are you trying to do to these students?
TOUR GUIDE
We're trying to give the students preparation for real life. What would you have them do ... drink beers? Read Kant? As Dempsey moves toward the future, we need to prepare students for the rigors of modern life!
JOEY
What, by bribing them with 'A's for not doing any work?
TOUR GUIDE
The grading system, sir, is not bribery at all. Here at Dempsey, we don't use the term 'bribery'; we prefer the term 'incentive'. Perhaps you'd like to step into my office. I have some ...
The guide looks down at a note card he is holding
TOUR GUIDE
... beer.
Joey pauses for a moment, then decides to leave.
TOUR GUIDE
Now if you'll just follow me, I'd be glad to tell you about the new cubicles we've installed in the dorm rooms...
INT COLLEGE CLASSROOM
Once again in Professor Holmes' classroom. The class has all made up signs and is practicing their slogans. Professor Holmes appears dejected.
HOLMES
Class, I'm sorry , but I have to re-schedule the protest for today.
CLASS
(AD LIB)
(AD LIB)
Re-schedule? But why? What? After I stayed up all night?
HOLMES
Well, some of you have undoubtedly heard the rumors about the recent purchase of our Dempsey by some undisclosed philanthropists. And, having had a nice long talk this morning at 6:30 AM with some gentlemen who showed up at my door, I realized that perhaps the abortion protest wasn't a good idea. The new administration thinks that it could be divisive. But ... it has been pointed out to me that we could attend another protest, as long as we were all chanting on the same side.
LYNETTE
But, doesn't that defeat the whole point? Weren't we doing this to learn about division?
HOLMES
Well, yes, but it was pointed out to me that it would be possible that some could have their feelings hurt. So, as an alternative, we will all be protesting, as one group, at the site of the proposed solid waste treatment center in old downtown.
RAINBEAUX
Hey, that's cool. I couldn't believe it when I heard they were actually going to tear down old downtown for a sewage dump! I can't wait to tell them what I think of their ideas!
HOLMES
It's a solid waste treatment facility, Rainbeaux, not a sewage dump. As these men took the time to explain to me this morning. At great length.
RAINBEAUX
Whatever. Can we just turn our signs around and write new slogans? How about "Raw Sewage ain't no Treat?" Can I write that?
HOLMES
Well, before you get too in-depth, I should warn you that we are going to be protesting against the protesters.
RAINBEAUX
We're going to be protesting to allow some corporation to tear up downtown and replace it with a sewage treatment plant? That's what the new administration wants us to do? That's going to teach us about American politics? We'll be the only ones there! My own friends will probably beat the crap out of me!
HOLMES
Well, we all go through changes. And I think that Dempsey is just going through one of those changes. Now, for our class lecture today, I've been told to talk about ...
Professor Holmes turns to the chalkboard where he begins to write out "Your Friend the Industrial Surfactant". Just as he is finished, he steps back, looks as what he has written, drops the chalk, turns to the class and says:
HOLMES
That's it. I'm gone. Get out while you still can.
INT PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - DAY
Vivian, looking agitated and hurried, has just entered the president's office and is ready to make her grievances known.
PRESIDENT
Of course it's always our pleasure here to speak with the students. You know our policy: The customer's always right. So now, M...
VIVIAN
Vivian, please.
PRESIDENT
Yes. Vivian.. Why don't you tell us what's on your ... Oh, how rude of me! Would you like some chocolates? They're Godivas.
VIVIAN
No, thank you. I am just disgusted by what I have witnessed ten minutes ago.
PRESIDENT
Really? Tell me all about it. Lemon drop?
VIVIAN
No. There's this professor, Professor Holmes. He's been teaching here for as long as I've been here, and that's almost four years now.
PRESIDENT
Four years? My, my, my. Do you receive financial aid? Would you like a piece of gum? It's bazooka.
VIVIAN
No! Thank you. I, I need to get back to what I'm telling you. So, this professor, professor Holmes, he just walked out in the middle of class! He said that there were changes made to his class curriculum and that he couldn't deal with it! So he just walked out and left us sitting in our chairs!
PRESIDENT
That's horrible. So what do you think of those chairs? Are they comfortable? Would you like those ergonomic ones with the cushions? Here, look at what I've got.
The President swivels his chair around to illustrate the ergonomics of the chair that he is using.
PRESIDENT
Back problems run in the family. So yes, we could get some more comfortable chairs. Taffy? It's saltwater.
Vivian looks aghast.
VIVIAN
You're not listening at all to what I'm saying! We just had a professor walk out of class because his intellectual freedoms had been violated! He had been intellectually raped by the new administration of this college!
PRESIDENT
I'm glad you brought that up, because we've just gone through and revised the rape policy, as the students had requested. Written permission will now be required two days in advance of every step of sexual intimacy. Would you like some free condoms? They're mint!
VIVIAN
I think I should be going.
She nervously backs away from the moronically grinning president.
INT BOARDROOM - DAY
Beezle looks around the gathered board members.
BEEZLE
Gentlemen. I fear we may have bad news. Our underling has the statement for the first month of operation at Dempsey College.
The board murmurs in a distraught manner. Beezle waves his hand and the Accountant comes out of the shadows. The Accountant looks extremely nervous.
ACCOUNTANT
First off, there seems to be some problems in attempting to influence the students. We've had record numbers of applications for leaves of absence. I think the students are resentful of the "new" Dempsey.
The board murmurs.
ACCOUNTANT
What's worse, we're losing money. When the students withdraw, they take their tuition with them. Our income from alumni has plummeted. At this rate, we'll be out of business in a year.
The board murmurs more aggressively.
BEEZLE
That's it. You're fired. Crocker, start getting bids on bulldozing the college. If nothing else we can use it for medical waste storage.
ACCOUNTANT
Sir, if I may. I think I have a plan. We may be able to turn this tide of resentment to our advantage.
BEEZLE
How so?
ACCOUNTANT
Federal law states that any investor in an educational institution can declare the entire business a tax write-off if the school fails through no fault of their own. So, if, by the end of the semester, all students have withdrawn of their own free will and there is no prospect of enrollment in the immediate future, the property immediately falls into the hands of the principal investor. And, in that instance, we also will receive a tax credit equal to the total value of the institution.
BEEZLE
So, we can make up our investment?
ACCOUNTANT
And more.
BEEZLE
Excellent. Underling, I am placing you in charge of this project. Do you have a name?
ACCOUNTANT
No, sir.
BEEZLE
Well, pick one out for yourself. You're a board member now.
ACCOUNTANT
Thank you, sir. I'll begin my plan immediately.
INT FRAT HOUSE - DAY
Jay, Joey, and Sluggo are walking into the house, drinking beer.
SLUGGO
Man, that was pretty cool. The teacher let us out early.
JOEY
Sluggo. He quit. He's never coming back.
SLUGGO
Cool.
JAY
All right. Enough talk about school. We've got a game tonight, remember?
SLUGGO
Oh, yeah! Football!
JAY
Joey? You ready?
JOEY
Hold on.
He knocks back the rest of his beer.
JOEY
Now I'm ready.
They bellow and jog into the frat house.
EXT FOOTBALL STADIUM - DUSK
Rainbeaux and her friends are marching in front of the stadium, holding placards that read slogans such as "PIGS ARE FOR HUGGING, NOT THROWING." Vivian and associates walk past them, and, with visible disgust, make their way past the throngs of beer-drenched college kids heading towards the game. Vivian stops by an unmarked door. Knocks twice, pauses, then knocks again. The door opens, and Vivian and friends enter.
INT SMALL CHAMBER - DUSK
Vivian seats herself in a plush chaise lounge in a velvet covered room. One wall is Plexiglas, allowing for a clear view of the football field.
RENE
I must say, it is nice to get out to these sorts of things every now and again. Really makes me feel like I'm one of the crowd, eh?
They all chuckle.
EXT FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT
Assorted scenes of football action and observation. Joey is on the field. Madeleine and Joachim are slouching underneath the bleachers, smoking opium. Vivian and friends are sipping tea as they politely applaud various plays. Everyone else is on the bleachers cheering like madmen. The Dempsey College mascot, the Crazed Leprechaun, is doing a wacky dance. After a few moments of sports montage, we see the scoreboard, which reveals that Dempsey is ahead by one point. Joey and teammates huddle.
JOEY
Okay, let's do this one by the books. Sluggo, you buttonhook left...
He is interrupted by the sound of a ref's whistle. He looks over and sees an ominous man in a dark suit standing next to the Dempsey coach. The ref is signaling a timeout. Joey jogs over to the coach.
JOEY
Hey coach. What's going on?
COACH
Don't know. This guy came over and told me I need to call time. Some sort of important school business. Hey!
Coach looks over to see the Crazed Leprechaun being dragged into a limo by the ominous man. The door slams shut behind him and the car begins to rock back and forth. The crowd is completely silent, raptly watching the car.
INT ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH
The announcer is leaning forward, trying to see into the car. Another ominous, dark-suited man enters the booth, taps the announcer on the shoulder, hands him a slip of paper, and disappears.
ANNOUNCER
This is unusual, folks, but I have the honor to introduce to you, the new mascot of Dempsey College...
As he pauses, the door to the limo opens and a large, amorphous brown blob rolls out.
ANNOUNCER
...the Brown Sludge! C'mon! Do the sludge, everybody!
Always a good sport, the announcer wiggles around slowly, much as the Brown Sludge is doing at that very moment.
The crowd briefly attempts to do the sludge as well, but is visibly unenthusiastic. The ref blows his whistle.
REF
Time in!
Joey and the rest of the team return to the huddle. Joey is noticeably shaken.
JOEY
Okay, let's get back in this game. Sluggo, you... uh... go out for a pass, I guess. Damn. The Brown Sludge.
SLUGGO
Goooooo, sludge!
Sluggo claps his hands and heads out to the line. Everyone watches him go for a minute, then follows slowly.
JOEY
Twenty-two. Thirteen. Hut! Hut! Hike!
He goes back, cocks his arm, spots Sluggo hurtling towards the end zone. He starts to throw, then looks over at Sludgie, flailing with its pseudopods. He looks opposite to the bleachers. Half of the fans are attempting to do the sludge. The rest are heading for the exits. Joey looks up, sees some linemen bearing down on him, and throws the ball away. The ball is caught by the other team who promptly run it into the end zone. They begin to cheer.
INT LOCKERROOM - NIGHT
Joey is getting out of the shower and heads to his locker to see the TEAM MANAGER removing his jersey.
JOEY
Hey! What're you doing with my jersey?
TEAM MANAGER
Just following orders. New jerseys for everyone.
The manager tosses Joey a hideous brown jersey with a big picture of the Brown Sludge on it.
JOEY
You have got to be kidding me!
JAY
It could be worse.
JOEY
How? How could it be worse? We're the Brown Sludge!
JAY
We could be out of beer at the house.
JOEY
Yeah. I could go for a beer.
Jay opens up his locker and pulls out a six pack. He tosses one to Joey.
JAY
There's lots more where that came from.
INT FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
The frat house is packed with sweaty frat boys and dim, blond frat girls. The whole house is thumping to the cock rock being blared at an unholy volume. Joey is seating on a couch, casually drinking out of a rubber tube hooked up to a keg and seems to be feeling much better.
JAY
Much better, huh?
JOEY
Yeah, something's still not quite right, though.
JAY
Pretzels?
JOEY
Yeah. Pretzels.
Jay snaps his fingers and Jorge runs in with a bag of pretzels. As he hands the bag to Joey, the power in the house immediately cuts out. Through the windows, flashing red and blue lights can be seen.
BOOMING VOICE
This is campus security. As of 9:45 this evening, alcohol is no longer prohibited on campus. You have five seconds to evacuate the premises to prepare for house inspection.
No one moves. A huge booming sound is heard twice, then a battering ram crashes through the front door. Campus security, decked out in full SWAT team riot gear, enter the building.
CAMP SEC OFFICER
You are in violation of Dempsey College Ordinance #24957!
The Officer raises his automatic rifle and opens fire. People scream and duck for cover. The partiers gradually get out from behind cover and see the bullet-riddled room. The kegs have been thoroughly penetrated and are leaking beer. Sluggo screams and dives over. He presses his mouth to the keg and begins drinking. Jay, Joey, and Jimmy all do the same.
CAMP SEC OFFICER
Our work here is done.
The armor-clad security officers, depart, as do most of the revelers.
JAY
Hey! Where're you going? There's still a little beer left. C'mon! We'll put the music back...
He looks over to the stereo, which has been decimated with bullet holes.
JAY
Oh.
He snaps his fingers and an orphan runs over and begins inspecting the wreckage.
ORPHAN
Senor. The radio, it still works!
Jay nods, and the orphan turns on the radio to the college radio station, WDMP. Rainbeaux is on the air.
RAINBEAUX
...and we started off that set with Wilhemena Phidelia doing her classic song, "Don't Club Me, I'm a Harp Seal."
INT WDMP STUDIOS - NIGHT
Rainbeaux is seated in the DJ booth, speaking on air.
RAINBEAUX
And we'll be back with more protest songs here on "We Shall Overcome" in just a minute, but first, this public service announcement.
She activates a cart and sits back. A middle-aged man in a suit, thinning hair pulled back in a ponytail, enters the studio.
RAINBEAUX
Can I help you?
PONYTAILED MAN
Yes. Are you the on-air personality right now?
RAINBEAUX
Yes.
PONYTAILED MAN
Oh, good. I'm Byron Mackenzie, the new General Manager here. I just wanted to go over a few new policies with you.
RAINBEAUX
New policies?
BYRON
Right. I've been looking over the books of the station, and it's just not passing muster. Do you realize WDMP has been in the red for the past 20 years?
RAINBEAUX
It's a college station. It's not supposed to make money. It's supposed to be a voice for the students.
BYRON
Right, well, that's going to change. Effective immediately, I want you do make sure to play each of these once per hour.
He hands her a towering stack of carts.
RAINBEAUX
But, but, that will take up half my show.
BYRON
And it will pay for the other half.
His cell phone rings.
BYRON
Will you excuse me?
He hustles off. Rainbeaux grabs the first of the carts. A label on it reads "Dow Chemicals." The one below it reads "U.S. Army Recruitment." She shudders, grabs a cart gingerly between her forefingers, and shakingly inserts it into the cart player. She winces as she activates the machine. Byron jogs back into the room.
BYRON
Really sorry about that. Okay, just one more little change. I'm a little concerned about the "lack of a sound" for WDMP. I mean, look at this schedule! Classical! Rock! Jazz! Even protest songs! How is a listener going to know what to expect?
Rainbeaux stares at him, stunned.
BYRON
Right, so we're going to playlists.
He pulls out a playlist and hands it to her.
BYRON
Make sure you play 12 songs an hour from this playlist. That should leave you one or two to choose on your own. I mean, this is college radio, after all.
He turns and rushes off. Rainbeaux drops her eyes down and scans the list. She notices that the bulk of the songs are by Ted Nugent. She screams and storms off.
EXT CAMPUS - NIGHT
Vivian and friends are walking around on campus.
VIVIAN
I was thinking we might want to try that new little French place downtown. I've heard the pheasant is just to die for.
RENE
Oh, I don't know. I'm always partial to La Pirouette. It's my favorite.
VIVIAN
Come on! Let's try something new. Live life on the edge.
RENE
I suppose. If we can go to La Pirouette tomorrow.
VIVIAN
Oh, good. Then it's settled. We'll all meet downtown then...
They turn the corner and enter the parking lot. The lot is filled with flashing lights, as there are approximately twenty tow trucks, carrying cars. Vivian looks over and sees the new BMW being hauled away. Vivian chases after it, but a large, menacing Camp Sec Officer stands before her.
CAMP SEC OFFICER
May I help you?
VIVIAN
That's my car. A-and what's that man doing to it?
We see the obese, sweaty, grotesque tow truck driver peering inside the car. He pulls out a slim jim and pops the lock, then climbs inside and squirms around, clearly enjoying the leather seating.
CAMP SEC OFFICER
Didn't you check the student bulletin board? As of this evening, students are no longer allowed to park their cars on campus. All violators will be towed and their cars made available for auction.
The tow truck driver leans his head out of Vivian's car.
TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Hey, I think I'm going to bid on this one! I could practically live in here!
Vivian swoons.
EXT CAMPUS - MORNING
It is Monday morning, and students are stumbling to class. All of them look bitter and hostile. A menacing security guard is eyeing the students suspiciously. As Madeleine and Joachim walk by, he points them out.
SECURITY GUARD
You two. The scrawny pale ones. Come with me.
He reaches out and collars them. They both try to struggle, but neither are even remotely successful.
JOACHIM
Where are you taking us?
SECURITY GUARD
A little remedial education. Nothing to worry about.
He opens a door and tosses them in into...
EXT GYMNASIUM - DAY
SGT. OLDHAM, a retired USMC Officer, perks up at the sight of Madeleine and Joachim. Behind him, in the gym, a number of scrawny pale college kids are limping their way around the gym in a pathetic attempt to jog.
SGT OLDHAM
Ah. Fresh meat.
He claps his hands together and approaches. Madeleine and Joachim look utterly terrified.
MADELIENE
What are we doing here?
SGT OLDHAM
Physical Education 101. Now, let's get on those ropes. Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
He chases them up some ropes. They make it about twenty feet up, then plummet to the ground.
EXT COURTYARD - DAY
The students are heading into the dining hall. The mood is significantly less upbeat than last time we saw people congregating for dinner. Clearly the demoralization plan is working just fine.
INT DINING HALL - DAY
Madeleine and Joachim are slumped over a table passed out. Both are twitching slightly from their dreams.
MADELEINE
(ASLEEP)
(ASLEEP)
No. No. Not the pommel horse.
Track over to Vivian, Michel, and Rene who are just entering to get in line.
MICHEL
I must say, I don't really care for how this semester is shaping up.
RENE
It could be worse, I suppose. At least we still have Pierre to do our cooking for us.
VIVIAN
Oh, indeed. I don't know what we would do if we hadn't hired him away from Le Pomplemousse.
MICHEL
Ah, Pierre, I think today I will have the...
He looks up and notices that the person standing in front of him is certainly not Pierre, but is, in fact, RIZZO, a 400-pound greasy, balding, hairnet-wearing, cigar-smoking cafeteria worker.
RIZZO
Mornin'
He grabs a disgusting, food-encrusted ladle and scoops a big pile of gruel into a tin cup and hands it to Rene, who is, as might be expected, outraged.
RENE
What, precisely, is this?
RIZZO
This, precisely, is gruel.
RENE
You expect us to eat this... this... gruel?!?
RIZZO
It meets federal nutritive standards. What more do you want?
RENE
What more do I want? What about subtle flavor? What about exquisite presentation? What about...
Rene is so worked up, he collapses. Michel and Vivian catch him and lower him to the ground. They look up at Rizzo in disgust.
MICHEL
You pig.
Rizzo pulls out his cigar, stubs it out in a bowl of gruel, then slides the gruel towards them. Michel and Vivian swoon.
Track over to table at which are seated Joey, Jay, Sluggo, et al.
JAY
This is brutal, man. I've never been to class sober before.
SLUGGO
I've never been to class. Ever.
JAY
You know, I talked to my brother last night. He said he can get me a job at the Miller brewery. How cool would that be?
He looks around for a high-five. Sluggo obliges him.
JOEY
Look. Working in a brewery sounds real glamorous now, but think of ten years from now.
They think about it, but don't seem to come to any conclusions.
JOEY
Think of it this way. What if Bud comes out with a really good beer? And you're stuck with sixty kegs of MGD.
They nod solemnly
JOEY
Look, we've got, what, one more year?
Everyone shrugs.
JOEY
Well, whatever it is, it's not that long. We can walk into town to drink. And we still get to play football.
Sluggo climbs on top of the table.
SLUGGO
Whoooo! Go Brown Sludge!!
The table next to them looks up in disgust.
BIOPHENA
Now that is just inappropriate. Do we really need that kind of testosterone display while we're trying to eat?
Without warning, Betsy looks up from her manifesto.
BETSY
I'm done.
ALL
(Ad lib)
Wow. Really. Amazing.
BETSY
762 pages on how to systematically overthrow the capitalist phallocrats.
TAMMI
Time to test it out.
She pulls a gun out of her bustier. Rainbeaux wrests it away from her before anyone else notices.
BETSY
Now I just need to show it to Professor Holmes.
RAINBEAUX
Didn't you hear? He quit.
Betsy looks ashen.
BETSY
Quit?
BIOPHENA
Yeah. He started doing this speech in favor of pollution, then left.
BETSY
Quit?
TAMMI
You know, if they can't keep good faculty around, I think it's about time for me to move on out of here. I hear there's a lot of righteous Christian babes at Bryn Mawr.
BETSY
Quit?
RAINBEAUX
Just relax, okay? If we stick together, we can pull through this, my sisters. Are you with me?
All except Biophena get up and leave. Rainbeaux looks bereft.
INT BOARDROOM - DUSK
Beezle is seated at his boardroom chair, as always. He is playing with a crossbow, shooting bolts into pictures of prominent environmentalists. An underling enters timidly.
BEEZLE
Can't you see I'm busy?
UNDERLING
Yes, sir. But I was told to bring you these enrollment figures.
BEEZLE
Ah, good. All going well, I take it?
He looks at the figures.
BEEZLE
What? Forty students left? You, call Mortimer. Tell him to take it up a notch. I expect results. And I don't like to be disappointed.
He fires his crossbow into a picture of Ralph Nader.
INT DORM ROOM - MORNING
Madeleine is sleeping on her floor when the alarm goes off. She groggily gets up and grabs her backpack for class. She opens the door, and finds a large Calder-esque stabile in front of her room. She shoves it, but it won't move. She looks into her courtyard and sees that all doorways now have these in front of them. She starts to climb over the art, but a Security Guard approaches her.
SECURITY GUARD
Ma'am. That is an extremely valuable piece of modern art that has been added to your living environment to improve student morale. Please stay off the art.
MADELEINE
B-but how do I get out of my room?
SECURITY GUARD
That's not my problem, ma'am.
He notices another student and runs after them.
SECURITY GUARD
Get off the art! Get off the art!
Madeleine looks distraught, then backs into her room and climbs out the window.
INT AUDITORIUM - DAY
Joey, Madeleine, Rainbeaux, and Vivian (along with a handful of other students) enter the auditorium, but, instead of finding Holmes at the head of the class, they find RUPERT, an unctuous representative of the Registrar's office. Vivian strides up to him.
VIVIAN
Just who exactly do you think you are? And where, may I ask, is Professor Holmes? I would have thought you would have gone to great length to ensure his...
RUPERT
Cancelled.
JOEY
What?
RUPERT
Cancelled. Lack of interest. Current enrollment figures show only ten students enrolled in this section, so we've had to close it down.
JOEY
So what are we supposed to do? Just go home?
RUPERT
Oh, no. We've arranged for the creation of a number of alternate classes.
He reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a handful of papers, which he hands to Joey, who, like any good student, takes one and passes it on. Rupert closes his briefcase, nods to the students, then leaves. Madeleine looks down at the paper.
MADELEINE
Debbie Gibson as Post-Feminist Icon? What the hell is this?
RUPERT
We did a focus group.
With that, Rupert ducks out of the doorway. Madeleine chases after him.
MADELEINE
Calvin Coolidge: Friend or Foe?
Craig, one of Joey's remaining frat brothers turns to him.
CRAIG
I don't know about this. Marxism and the Epis.. Epistom... Epistomology of Decay? That sounds hard, dude.
JOEY
Yeah.
MADELEINE (OFF-SCREEN AND SHOUTING)
The Armadillo, Nature's Little Tank!?!?!
INT ACADEMIC BUILDING HALLWAY - DAY
A group of students are walking towards class. They approach the doorway of the classroom, but are blocked by a pair of armed guards.
JOEY
Dude, what's up?
GUARD
I'm sorry, sir, but you are not permitted to attend class unless you are in proper attire.
CRAIG
Attire?
They peer into the classroom and see one depressed-looking student dressed in an English schoolboy uniform.
RAINBEAUX
You've got to be kidding me. Is there any right more personal than the right to dress ourselves?
VIVIAN
Oh, come on. I think they're rather darling.
Vivian's friends murmur in agreement.
VIVIAN
So, where can we get some of these snappy ensembles?
The guard relaxes into a salesman patter.
GUARD
Well, it just so happens we have them on sale for the low, low price of 99.95.
VIVIAN
Oh, fabulous. I'll take two.
JOEY
Dude, I can't afford that.
GUARD
Well, I'm afraid this class does require a uniform. You may want to try some of the others. They're a little less... strict.
INT CLASSROOM - DAY - MOS
A handful of students are dressed in English school uniforms and look miserable (except for Vivian and chums, who seem rather pleased). The teacher is drawing lines between two sketches on the board: one of an armadillo and one of a tank.
EXT DORM COURTYARD - DAY
Rainbeaux, and Biophena are returning from class, having elected not to purchase uniforms.
BIOPHENA
I kind of wanted to learn about armadillos...
RAINBEAUX
Forget it. I know we're here to learn, but if I have to choose between armadillo knowledge and freedom of personal expression, I'll choose...
BIOPHENA
Hey! What are they doing with my toilet paper?
She rushes towards her dorm room to see maintenance men tossing rolls of toilet paper into trash bags.
BIOPHENA
What do you think you're doing? That's mine. I hand-recycled discarded newspapers to make that!
MAINTENANCE MAN
Sorry. New policy. Toilet paper is too wasteful.
Rainbeaux places a reassuring hand on Biophena's shoulder.
RAINBEAUX
You know, he's right. We're better off this way.
MAINTENANCE MAN
That's the spirit!
He hands them each a toilet brush. They look disgusted.
MAINTENANCE MAN
Enjoy.
Biophena breaks down sobbing.
INT REGISTRAR - DAY
Madeleine and Joachim enter. The office is packed with students (Every student in the film, except Vivian, Rainbeaux, Joey, and Sluggo).
JOACHIM
Whoa. Do you think all these people are here to sign up for the Debbie Gibson class?
CRAIG
No way, man. I'm outta here. Uniforms? Brown Sludge? It's too much.
MADELEINE
What? All of you?
Everyone murmurs assent.
JOACHIM
You know, that might not be that bad an idea.
MADELEINE
Man, if I drop out, I have to go back to jail.
JOACHIM
Oh. Do I?
MADELEINE
I don't think so.
JOACHIM
Cool.
EXT COURTYARD OUTSIDE DINING HALL - DAY
Joey and Sluggo are walking towards the dining hall so they can have lunch.
SLUGGO
I don't know, dude. The house is completely dead. I mean, don't take it personally, but you're the only person I talk to now. I don't think I can take it much longer.
JOEY
Come on. Where's your school spirit? Go, Brown Sludge!
SLUGGO
Dude. I'm starting to think that's kind of a lame mascot.
Joey winces with frustration, then looks at Sluggo solemnly.
JOEY
Look, things are bad now, sure. But, you know, it's always darkest before...
He opens the door to the Dining Hall. Not only does a roar of deafening noise come rushing out, but a firehose-intensity stream of blood shoots from the open door and knocks Sluggo off his feet.
SLUGGO
That does it, dude. I'm going home. My mom's kind of weird and all, but she doesn't spray me with blood.
Sluggo storms off. Joey cautiously looks in and sees that an extreme performance art/metal band is performing in the Dining Hall as "entertainment." They're wearing elaborate costumes, pounding on drums, and have a wide variety of implements with which they can spray a crowd with assorted liquids.
Joey approaches a table at which Vivian, Rainbeaux, and Madeleine are seated. They are all drenched in blood and other bodily-fluid looking viscera.
JOEY
You mind if I sit here?
MADELEINE
You got a choice?
Camera pulls back to show that all tables have been removed except the one immediately adjacent to the performers. Joey shrugs and sits down. Long, dialogue-free shot in which the characters are bombarded with goo while they choke down bowls of gruel.
INT AFTERNOON ADMISSIONS - DAY
Joey, toweling himself down after his lunch, is headed towards the Admissions Office.
EXT ADMISSION OFFICE - DAY
Joey enters. The office is completely deserted. Joey walks in, grabs a hard candy from a candy bowl, and starts looking for someone.
JOEY
Hello? Anyone here? Sammi?
He notices the fax machine is in the middle of sending documents, so picks one up. Sammi walks in.
SAMMI
Hey, Joey. I didn't think anyone was coming in today
Joey gestures with the fax.
JOEY
Resumes? You're quitting?
Sammi gently removes the fax from Joey's hand and returns it to the stack of documents to fax.
SAMMI
Maybe. Maybe I was fired, I can't tell. All those creepy guys that were here disappeared a week ago.
JOEY
So I can give tours again?
SAMMI
Well, you could if we had any tours to give.
JOEY
What do you mean?
SAMMI
There just haven't been any calls. I guess the word's gotten out that this isn't the most... fun school any more.
JOEY
That's crazy. We used to get twenty, thirty messages a day on voicemail asking for tours.
To demonstrate, he picks up a phone and dials the tour hotline.
VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
Hello, and thank you for calling the Lively Lady Escort Service, providing the classiest escorts in the greater Anchorage metropolitan area...
Joey hangs up the phone.
EXT SCHOOL QUAD
Madeleine, Rainbeaux, and Vivian are attempting to find a place to sit on the grass. Every time they start to sit down, they are doused with sprinklers. They try moving to new areas, but are soaked wherever they go. As they resign themselves to getting wet, Joey runs up to them.
JOEY
It's kinda wet here, why don't you move...
They stop him with a glare.
JOEY
Whatever. Look, I just came from the Admissions Office. I think something's going on.
RAINBEAUX
Something's going on? Something's going on?!? What the hell is the matter with you? Of course something is going on. Someone wants to torture us.
VIVIAN
Why ever would this "they" you speak of do something like that?
RAINBEAUX
Because they can't shoot us.
Everyone reflects on this (obviously) important statement.
RAINBEAUX
Can you think of a better explanation? They want us dead or crazy or something.
MADELEINE
Maybe we should, like, find out.
JOEY
Yeah. Who should we ask?
RAINBEAUX
Idiots. They won't just tell us. If you want information, you have to get it yourself.
EXT ADMINISTRATION BUILDING - NIGHT
A security guard (wearing a lovely CANCER, INC. badge) is standing alert in front of the vacant building. Joey flies in from off-screen and tackles him. Cut to Rainbeaux, who gestures to Madeleine. Madeleine rushes in and jabs a hypodermic needle in the guard, shooting him full of narcotics. Rainbeaux and Vivian meet the others in front of the building. Joey drags the body off into the bushes.
RAINBEAUX
Good job.
VIVIAN
Oh, this is ever so much fun. I feel like David Niven.
RAINBEAUX
Uhh, right. Look, you three keep watch. I just need a minute.
Rainbeaux rushes up to the door, pulls out a glass cutter and cuts a hole in the window. She deftly slides through it and sets to work at disabling the security system. The whole procedure takes maybe ten seconds. She opens the door and the others follow her as she walks briskly down the halls.
MADELIENE
That was pretty cool. How'd you learn to do that?
RAINBEAUX
I've had to infiltrate 16 different animal testing labs, 4 technocentric repositories, and 2 perpetuators of illegal employment in Southeast Asia. Academic security is a piece of cake.
She pulls out a collapsible crowbar and quickly jimmies a door.
RAINBEAUX
If it's not in here, we're out of luck. Everyone take a cabinet.
INT OFFICE - NIGHT
The office is covered with papers. The students have clearly been in here for quite a while.
JOEY
Hey. I think I found something. It's all highlighted and stuff.
The others gather around.
MADELEINE
What is that?
JOEY
It says it's tax code.
VIVIAN
Let me see that.
Vivian grabs the paper and pulls out a cell phone.
VIVIAN
My parents have the best tax lawyer in Marin County. Hello, Walter. Sorry to call you so late, but I need some info on US Federal Tax Code Number 0-STH794.
EXT QUAD - NIGHT
Joey, Vivian, Madeleine, and Rainbeaux are walking and talking.
RAINBEAUX
So, if we all withdraw of our own free will, they can write off their losses on the college and make a fortune?
VIVIAN
Exactly.
They walk in silence for a bit, until Joey speaks up.
JOEY
That sucks.
VIVIAN
It does, as you so graphically put it, suck. But the solution is fairly simple. We just need to remain enrolled.
RAINBEAUX
No, that's not nearly enough. There is strength in numbers. If there's only four of us, they can crush us somehow. You said that they need no new viable applicants in order for this to work, right?
VIVIAN
Exactly.
RAINBEAUX
So, we just need to get an incoming class. We can organize. We can promote. We can do it.
VIVIAN
Oooh. I've always wanted to try my hand in public relations. That sounds like ever so much fun.
The others look skeptical, but nod their consent.
EXT DESERT - DAY - BLACK AND WHITE
A shot of the expansive Southern California high desert (joshua trees, yucca, etc) The camera slowly pulls back while minimalist contemporary classical music plays.
ANDROGYNOUS VOICEOVER
At first, there was nothing.
Camera pulls back more quickly to reveal a grandfather clock.
ANDROGYNOUS VOICEOVER
And then there was time.
The camera pans around the clock, and, as it does so, reveals the clock to be positioned next to a swimming pool.
ANDROGYNOUS VOICEOVER
And time enough for all.
A well-sculpted, but strangely asexual man rises vertically from the pool.
ANDROGYNOUS VOICEOVER
Time enough.
The man walks on the water towards the camera very slowly until his face fills the entire frame
WELL-SCULPTED BUT STRANGELY ASEXUAL MAN
I don't know where I end...
FADE TO BLACK
WELL-SCULPTED BUT STRANGELY ASEXUAL MAN
...and Dempsey begins.
SCREEN TEXT: DEMPSEY
EXT ROAD - DAY
Joey, Madeleine, Rainbeaux, and Vivian are standing in front of a billboard showing a black and white picture of a woman on a motorcycle. In small print in the lower right corner is the word "DEMPSEY"
RAINBEAUX
How much did this cost again?
VIVIAN
The billboard campaign cost six hundred thousand. Two point six million for the television campaign.
RAINBEAUX
Do you know how many Panamanian children you could have fed with that money? Pig.
She pulls back her hand to slap Vivian, but Madeleine restrains her.
MADELEINE
She did it for the school, man. For the school.
Rainbeaux appears to calm down a bit.
JOEY
I don't know. It seems a little... weird.
VIVIAN
How so?
JOEY
Well, it doesn't make me want to jump up and go to Dempsey. It makes me want to, I don't know, go swimming.
VIVIAN
Do you have a better suggestion?
INT HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY
Joey, along with the other, somewhat embarrassed Dempsey students, are standing behind a folding table attempting to hand out flyers for Dempsey. It doesn't seem to be going too well.
VIVIAN
This is your big plan?
JOEY
No, dude. I was just waiting for the right time to kick it out.
Joey reaches down below the table and pulls out a large cardboard box.
JOEY
Hey! Free t-shirts!
The high school students flood the table as Joey hands out shirts.
JOEY
Here you go. "Co-ed Naked Dempsey Sex" "Ladies Love a Big Dempsey" "Dempsey Students Do It A Lot"
RAINBEAUX
This is so amazingly offensive, I cannot believe it.
JOEY
Hey, this is just phase one!
Joey passes the box of t-shirts over to Rainbeaux who handles it as though it were a box of feces. Joey hauls out two kegs of beer, each boldly embossed with the Dempsey logo. He gleefully sprays the high school students, who open their mouth accordingly. Joey and the students hoot and holler.
JOEY
Now, it's a party. (to the high schoolers) Who do you love?
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS
Dempsey!
JOEY
Who?
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS
DEMPSEY!!!
Loud cock rock kicks in. A number of high school girls tear off their clothes to reveal bikinis underneath, and the scene generally degenerates into a beer commercial.
INT ADMISSIONS OFFICE - DAY
Closeup shot of testing results.
JOEY
What's wrong with getting 100?!? I usually only get like 70's. At best!
SAMMI
Not on your SAT's, you didn't. You at least managed to get a 400 for writing your name. Where did you round up these applicants?
MADELEINE
It's a long story.
Joey smiles and nods happily.
JOEY
It's a fun story....
RAINBEAUX
Shut up. You failed. That's what happens when you let a phallomorph even try to do something right. If we're going to fix this, we've got to take it to the streets.
INT COMPUTER LAB - DAY
Rainbeaux is feverishly typing on the computer.
RAINBEAUX
Protest.net. The only way to stay in touch with the most pressing social issues.
MADELEINE
But, why would they want to help us?
RAINBEAUX
This place has got to be a historical landmark, right? These buildings have to be, what, a hundred years old?
Shrugs all around.
RAINBEAUX
Well, it's old, anyway. And it shouldn't be demolished. I've got almost 200 volunteers within 100 miles who will protest any destruction of historical land for the creation of another pavement paradise strip mall!
EXT QUAD - DAY
As promised, Rainbeaux has produced a slew of protestors, all carrying signs decrying the demolition of old buildings in favor of condos and parking lots. They are standing in front of a large academic building on one end of the quad. Rainbeaux is literally on a soapbox holding a megaphone standing next to one of the large columns on the academic building.
RAINBEAUX
Now, I know what a lot of you are saying! These buildings are just reminders of the class and gender biased cultural canon that has been shoved down our throats for centuries. They should be burned to the ground so we can build something new. But I say, "No!" These buildings need to stay as reminders of our failures. Reminders of our oppression.
As she speaks, she slaps her hand on the column for emphasis.
RAINBEAUX
We need to keep these here so we remember that they have stood for hundreds of years just as our oppression stood for hundreds of years before we...
Rainbeaux stops when she notices that the column has begun to crack severely. She dives out of the way as the plaster on the entire building begins to shatter. The building appears to collapse in a huge cloud of dust. The crowd waits expectantly as the dust clears to reveal a bleak, 60's brutalist concrete building underneath the lovely Greco-Roman façade. Rainbeaux approaches the building and reads the engraving.
RAINBEAUX
Dempsey College. 1967. DiPaolo Construction.
The crowd groans and rapidly disperses. Madeleine, Joey, and Vivian gather around.
JOEY
Good try.
Rainbeaux is mutely despondent.
MADELEINE
I think I know how to fix this. Let's pay a visit to the parent company.
INT CANCER INC - NIGHT
Once again, Rainbeaux is leading a covert nighttime raid, this time into the headquarters of Cancer Inc.
RAINBEAUX
So, what are we looking for this time?
MADELEINE
Trust me.
They make their way to the boardroom, where Madeleine withdraws a series of micro cameras from her bag.
MADELEINE
Help me hide these.
They scatter and start stashing cameras in various corners of the room. Madeleine notices the stack of money and grabs a handful.
INT VAN - NIGHT
The students are huddled around a bank of video monitors in a nondescript surveillance van.
JOEY
Where'd you get all this stuff?
MADELEINE
When you spend your summers with cops, you make friends. They used a setup like this when they busted my last boyfriend. It was really cool.
RAINBEAUX
Shush. I think they're about to talk.
INT BOARDROOM - NIGHT
Beezle is presiding over a meeting of the board.
BRACKETT
The Dempsey project continues as planned. We have four students left.
BEEZLE
That's four too many! What can we do to get rid of them?
BRACKETT
I think we've exhausted our options. All we can do is wait them out.
BEEZLE
Fine. We've still got a week. If they're not out by Friday though, contact some of our friends from Newark and see if they can take care of the problem for us...
INT VAN - NIGHT
MADELEINE
Perfect. I think we've got all we need.
RAINBEAUX
So just get this tape to the news media, and we'll use their own puppets against them!
MADELEINE
Right. Let me just edit the tape a little. I want it to be, you know, presentable.
INT SCREENING ROOM - DAY
Adrian is chatting with TOM, a distinguished news producer.
ADRIAN
Thanks for setting this up, Tom. I'm not sure what this is about, but... Well, you have children, right? You know you have to do anything you can for them.
TOM
Certainly. It's just a few minutes out of my day. And I certainly owe you a few favors. Is the tape ready?
He looks around the room. Vivian, Joey, and Rainbeaux are seated in the back of the screening room looking anxious. Madeleine bursts through the door, looking haggard, but clutching the tape.
MADELEINE
Sorry I'm late, but I just had to get this exactly right.
She puts in the tape and sits down.
JOEY
Are you okay? You look tired.
MADELEINE
I'm great.
JOEY
Did you sleep last night?
MADELEINE
No good film editor sleeps. That's what crank is for.
Joey is going to say more, but is interrupted by a loud explosion on the video tape. The screen shows a car exploding, then the same explosion backwards, followed by a brief cartoon of two superheroes running down the street, after which comes a series of extreme close-ups taken from the surveillance tapes.
VOICE FROM TAPE
We've still got a week.
An amazingly quick montage of calendars and clocks.
TALKING HEAD
A week is the simplest measurement of time.
The word time appears in large block letters on the screen.
And so on and so forth.
Tom is popping aspirin faster than anyone should under any circumstances outside of a suicide attempt. After a while of watching this insufferably presented video, he storms out.
TOM
(Muttering)
Freakin' kids. What the hell do they think they're doing? They'll never work in this field again...
Adrian gets up and leaves without saying a word.
The others sit in silence for a while.
RAINBEAUX
What the hell was that?
MADELEINE
I thought it might, you know, make more of an impression that way.
EXT QUAD - DAY
The students are returning back to their dormrooms in silence.
VIVIAN
It's not so bad, is it? A few more hours of this.
RAINBEAUX
Weren't you listening? They said their friends from Jersey are going to take care of us? Jersey? Do you know what the air quality is like in Jersey?
JOEY
I think they meant mobsters.
RAINBEAUX
Oh.
VIVIAN
Oh.
They stand there for a bit.
RAINBEAUX
I think I'm leaving.
JOEY
Yeah, me too.
INT REGISTRARS OFFICE - DAY
The students enter. Rupert looks up at their arrival.
RUPERT
I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to alter your course load this late in the semester.
JOEY
We're dropping out.
Rupert's face lights up.
RUPERT
Oh! Really? That's fabulous. Why don't you have a seat?
Rupert rushes into the back room and makes a phone call while the students wait. He returns quickly.
RUPERT
Come with me, if you would.
EXT QUAD - DAY
Rupert is leading the students to a small stage that has been hastily erected. He leads them into a series of folding chairs. They sit for a moments as a limousine drives across the grass. It is followed by a small fleet of news vans. Beezle steps out of the limo and makes his way to a podium on the stage. The press crews swarm out and fill up the audience seats.
BEEZLE
Thank you all for coming today. Today is a sad day for Dempsey College. The four students you see on this stage are the sole remaining members of the student body, and I have been informed that they intend to halt their studies effective immediately. However, all is not lost. Once they have withdrawn, the Cancer Corporation will repurpose this lovely campus to become the largest waste management and inmate incarceration facility in the country.
Polite applause from the press corps.
BEEZLE
So, without further ado.
He holds up a pen. Joey steps up and signs his name to a withdrawal form. Madeleine, Rainbeaux, and Vivian follow suit.
BEEZLE
Excellent. Now, since the entire student body has withdrawn prior to the five o'clock deadline, I am pleased to declare the closing of...
PRESS PERSON
Uhhh... What is that?
He gestures behind the podium. Everyone turns to see Sludgy undulating along the pavement. Beezle turns to an Underling.
BEEZLE
Who is that in that suit? Is that a student?
UNDERLING
I believe so, sir.
BEEZLE
Well, get him out. He needs to withdraw!
UNDERLING
Yes, sir.
The underling signals to a bunch of his cohorts and they rush over to Sludgy, trying desperately to cut open the mascot suit. Tense shots of them trying to tear open the bizarre rubbery fabric and the clock ticking down toward five o'clock.
As time runs out, Joey, Madeleine, Rainbeaux, and Vivian cheer heartily (or, at least, as heartily as Vivian can cheer). They rush over to embrace Sludgy.
JOEY, MADELEINE, RAINBEAUX, VIVIAN
(Ad lib)
All right. Way to go. Huzzah.
SLUDGY
Please help. I'm so hungry.
They all laugh.
Meanwhile, another limo pulls up and the Cancer Inc accountant rushes up to Beezle.
BEEZLE
So, now what?
ACCOUNTANT
The property reverts back to the original property holders.
BEEZLE
And we get?
ACCOUNTANT
Nothing.
Beezle collapses in a puddle of tears.
The students have now hoisted Sludgy up on their shoulders and are singing the fight song.
STUDENTS
Here's to Dempsey College
We're here to win
Our Sludge is mighty
It's brown not whitey
And it's uglier than sin
Here's to Dempsey College
Home of the Brown
We will flail and fight
'Til we win the night
And we celebrate downtown
We're here to win
Our Sludge is mighty
It's brown not whitey
And it's uglier than sin
Here's to Dempsey College
Home of the Brown
We will flail and fight
'Til we win the night
And we celebrate downtown
EXT FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT
One year later. The stands are packed. It's the final seconds of the game and Joey throws a touchdown pass. The crowd goes nuts, does the Sludge, sings the song. He is hoisted into the crowd, but gets down in order to make out briefly with Madeleine, then Rainbeaux. They all hug, then wave to the end of the field, where Vivian is walking hand-in-psuedopod with Sludgy.
FADE TO BLACK
END CREDITS
