Padgett Arango
(Based on characters, songs, and anecdotes by Kenji Baugham, Eric Berge, Margaret Brunjes, Kermit Crill, and Jennifer Pfieffer)
(Based on characters, songs, and anecdotes by Kenji Baugham, Eric Berge, Margaret Brunjes, Kermit Crill, and Jennifer Pfieffer)
BLACK SCREEN
Knocking sounds are heard.
FADE UP
EXT DOORWAY - DAY
DANNY BURKE, a semi-scruffy man in his early-to-mid twenties, is standing in front of a door, knocking. There is no response. He looks down at the packet of papers he is holding, then at the address, and knocks again. Camera moves around very slowly until it has become a POV shot for Burke. His hand rises up to knock on the door again, but, before he can do so, the door swings open and a shotgun pokes out, pointed directly at the camera. Camera backs up over Burke's shoulder as Burke very calmly starts to back away from the gun. He lifts up the papers he is carrying and tapes them to the end of the barrel. The gun remains pointed at him as he backs off.
OPENING CREDITS
MONTAGE OF SCENES OF BURKE WALKING THROUGH TOWN
INT OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Shot of a glass door, upon which is written "Wilson & Wilson, Attorneys at Law." Burke opens the door and walks in. Camera follows him as he walks up to the desk of the RECEPTIONIST.
RECEPTIONIST
Having a good day, Mr. Burke?
BURKE
Good enough.
RECEPTIONIST
Paper delivered?
BURKE
Yup. In his hand this morning.
RECEPTIONIST
I'm sure Mr. Wilson will be quite happy.
BURKE
Any more today?
RECEPTIONIST
No, I'm afraid that's it.
The receptionist pulls out an envelope and hands it to Burke. He takes it, tips an imaginary hat, then walks out.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - DAY
The camera pans across the apartment, which is, for the most part, a filthy wreck. The camera comes to rest on AUDREY, a young woman who is lying on the couch, eating an ice cream sandwich while she reads a book. The door opens and Burke enters.
AUDREY
You're home early.
BURKE
Yeah. Slow day.
AUDREY
Anyone interesting?
BURKE
Not really. A couple divorces. One eviction. A paternity case. He pulled a gun on me.
AUDREY
Is this that same guy?
BURKE
Yeah. I've served him at least three times this month. You'd think he'd be used to it.
AUDREY
One would think.
BURKE
How about you? Did you have a productive day?
AUDREY
I went to the library. The collection of books on the Skull and Bones Society I asked them to get from San Rafael finally came in. They're over there.
BURKE
Did you get any food?
AUDREY
Oh, no. I totally forgot. You want me to run out and get a pizza or something?
BURKE
Nah. I'll get it. You finish up that book.
INT BURKE'S APT. - NIGHT
Burke and Audrey are loafing about on the couch. Burke is attempting to balance a broomstick on his finger, while Audrey reads.
BURKE
This isn't working.
AUDREY
You need bigger fingers.
BURKE
That's not what I meant. My fingers are fine.
The broomstick falls over. Audrey smirks at Burke.
BURKE
Okay, so my fingers don't work for balancing brooms, but that's not what I meant.
AUDREY
What did you mean, then?
BURKE
I meant, that our lives aren't working. I mean, look at us. Every day, I get up and go deliver court papers. That's not a job. That's a hobby.
AUDREY
A hobby?
BURKE
It could be. Regardless, it's no kind of career. But, I do that, I come home. You sit at home all day reading these books.
AUDREY
What's wrong with these books?
BURKE
Nothing, it's just that... They're irrelevant. How many books do you have on, say, the Illuminati?
AUDREY
I don't know. Twenty, thirty? More?
BURKE
See! And have you ever met an Illuminati?
AUDREY
Illuminatus.
BURKE
Whatever.
AUDREY
No. At least, not that I know of.
BURKE
They don't exist.
Audrey opens her mouth.
BURKE
And don't start in on that "if we knew they existed, they wouldn't be a secret society" line either. This is fiction, all of it. And all you do, all day, is read this paranoid garbage. And none of it means anything.
AUDREY
That's being a little harsh, don't you think?
BURKE
No. I think we need to make some changes.
AUDREY
You want to break up, don't you?
BURKE
No. No, I don't want to break up. Look, I'm really sorry. I've just been having a bad day. The whole gun-pointing thing.
AUDREY
Okay. I understand.
BURKE
Say, let's go out and do something. Just to get out of the house.
AUDREY
Okay, let's go to the bookstore. I need to get a new copy of Mumbo Jumbo. Mine's totally thrashed.
She tosses the book to him. As she does so, the pages fly out and cover the room. Both stare at each other.
FADE TO BLACK
EXT FACTORY - DAY
Burke is waiting by the front door to a large factory-looking building. The door opens, and HARRISON, a shifty-looking geek girl, pokes her head out.
HARRISON
What do you want?
BURKE
I need to speak with Ms. Harrison. The building supervisor.
HARRISON
We're not hiring.
BURKE
Would you be Harrison, then?
HARRISON
Yes.
BURKE
Good. You've been evicted.
He hands Harrison a sheaf of papers.
HARRISON
Oh, but this can't be right. This building is paid for for years!
BURKE
Look, you're going to have to work this out with the landlord. You have thirty days to get out.
Burke starts to walk away, then turns back.
BURKE
Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to inform you that your power will be cut off sometime during the day today.
The light by the factory door flickers, then dims.
HARRISON
Oh, God, no! Not the electricity!
Harrison slams the door and runs off. Burke looks around, sees a window, and peers inside. The building is largely empty, with the exception of some large machinery in the middle of the room. Burke shrugs and walks off.
EXT HOUSE - DAY
Harrison pulls up to a house in his car. He checks some papers, then gets out and walks up to the door. He rings the bell. Loud noises can be heard from inside the house.
BURKE
Mr. Tenbusch? I know you're in there. Come on out.
Burke waits for a while, then walks away.
EXT STREET - DAY
Burke walks out to his car, muttering under his breath. He pulls out his keyring and places the key in the trunk. The trunk opens, revealing a fair-sized collapsable coathager, upon which is hung a variety of costumes, from police officer to nurse. Scattered along the floor of the car are assorted props: wigs, guns, etc. Burke leafs through the clothing, examining each.
BURKE
Let's see...
EXT HOUSE - DAY
Identical shot of Burke's car pulling up in front of the same house. Burke walks out, this time dressed as a pizza delivery boy, pizza box in hand. He goes to the door and rings the doorbell as before.
BURKE
Pizza!
TENBUSCH
(BEHIND DOOR)
I didn't order any pizza.
BURKE
Excuse me. I can't hear you.
TENBUSCH
(BEHIND DOOR)
I said, I didn't order a pizza.
BURKE
Sir, I can't understand what you're saying.
The door flies open, revealing an angry, red-faced Tenbusch.
TENBUSCH
I said, I didn't order any God-damn pizza!!
BURKE
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Look, let me give it to you free.
Burke hands him the pizza and walks back to his car. Camera follows Tenbusch inside as he opens the pizza box. He pulls out the first hot, steaming piece of pizza, then sees the process papers underneath. He screams.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - DUSK
The camera pans across the apartment, which is, for the most part, a filthy wreck. The camera comes to rest on AUDREY, a young woman who is lying on the couch, eating an ice cream sandwich while she reads a book. The door opens and Burke enters.
AUDREY
You're home early.
BURKE
Yeah. Slow day.
AUDREY
Anyone interesting?
BURKE
Not really. A couple divorces. One eviction.
AUDREY
Sounds exciting.
BURKE
How about you? Did you have a productive day?
AUDREY
I went to the library. The collection of books on the mystery religions of the first century B.C. I asked them to get from Ohio finally came in. They're over there.
BURKE
Did you get any food?
AUDREY
Oh, no. I totally forgot. You want me to run out and get a pizza or something?
BURKE
Nah. I'll get it. You finish up that book.
He starts out the door, then doubles back.
BURKE
Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a new copy of Mumbo Jumbo. I thought you'd like it.
He tosses the book to her. She catches it.
AUDREY
You're the best.
Burke smiles at her.
INT LAW OFFICE - DAY
Burke is slumped over in a chair, a magazine laying on his lap. The receptionist periodically peers at him, thinks about doing something, then returns to filing. WILSON, one of the lawyers, enters the lobby, looks at Burke, hands a sheaf of papers to the receptionist, then returns to his office. The receptionist glances at the papers, walks over to Burke, and smacks him hard in the face with the papers.
BURKE
Aigh! What the?!
RECEPTIONIST
Noise complaint down in Pomona. Their neighbors can't get them to be quiet, so they're taking them to court. The apartment is registered to a Mr. John-Paul Imhotep.
She hands him the papers.
BURKE
In his hands by noon.
EXT POMONA STREETS - DAY
Burke is walking up and down the street. Close over the shoulder shot shows the address on the sheaf of papers as 292 2nd Street. Burke mutters to himself as he walks.
BURKE
288. 290. 292. Great.
He knocks on the door. No response. He peers in the window in the door, sees nothing but dust, and knocks again. Still nothing. He tries the doorknob and it turns in his hand. He opens the door and walks in, warily.
BURKE
Hello? Anyone home? Mr. Imhotep? I'm from the lawyer's office. I just need to drop off some papers. Anyone home?
Burke has found himself in a large, dark hallway. The door behind him slams shut. He spins around to face it.
BURKE
Hey! That's not funny!
The camera switches over to show Burke from the front, his back to the room. Over his shoulder, we see yellow lights rise and reveal a door, which has been covered with what appears to be a tent flap. Circus music can be heard from within the tent.
BURKE
Oh, good. A tent.
Burke turns warily and walks into the tent.
INT TENT - DAY
As Burke enters the tent, he is assaulted by IMHOTEP, one of the members of Bosse-de-Nage. Imhotep is dressed as a circus ringmaster, although he is wearing full clown makeup. A large banner behind him reads: The Bosse-De-Nage Circus Sideshow. As he speaks, the carnival music grows louder and works with his speech to become a song
MUSIC: THE STORY OF PRINCE GACY
Throughout the piece, assorted members of Bosse-de-Nage, each dressed in some absurdist combination of clothing styles parades around, explaining some course of action. They grab Burke and drag him through various areas of their tent, involving him with the action of the story. In the end, when they discuss Gacy's madness freeing him from the machine, they remove his madness in the form of a small crystal. One of the Bosse-de-Nage members places the crystal in Burke's mouth. He holds Burke's mouth shut, rubs his throat, and blows on him, forcing him to swallow it. He does so, and as the song winds to a close, the Bosse-de-Nage members escort him outside.
EXT POMONA STREET - DUSK
Burke is staggering around on the street corner. He stands up straight, looks around, then notices the papers still clenched in his hand.
BURKE
Damn!
He looks at his wrist.
BURKE
Damn! All right. I can still drop it off and get paid tomorrow. 288. 290. 294. (PAUSE) Damn.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The camera pans across the apartment, which is, for the most part, a filthy wreck. The camera comes to rest on AUDREY, a young woman who is lying on the couch, eating an ice cream sandwich while she reads a book. The door opens and Burke enters.
AUDREY
You're home early.
BURKE
It's seven o'clock at night.
AUDREY
Anyone interesting?
BURKE
(CALMLY)
Not really. A couple divorces. One eviction. They abducted me, performed a musical number, then shoved a crystal down my throat. When they let me go, it was seven hours later, and their building had disappeared. How about you? Did you have a productive day?
AUDREY
I went to the library. The collection of books on the Albigensian Crusade I asked them to get from Sonoma finally came in. They're over there.
BURKE
Did you get any food?
AUDREY
Oh, no. I totally forgot. You want me to run out and get a pizza or something?
BURKE
Nah. I'll get it. You finish up that book.
EXT STREETS - NIGHT
Burke is walking down the street. He passes by a corner grocer/deli and walks in.
INT GROCER - NIGHT
Burke is wandering through the aisles of the store. He stops and picks up a jar of Tang. As he looks at it, one of the GROCERS, a shriveled-up old man, walks over to him.
GROCER
You should buy more Tang.
BURKE
Not selling well, eh?
GROCER
No. Tang is what will save you. Look here, it says "Nutrition in Disguise." Doesn't that mean anything to you?
BURKE
I would guess it means that Tang is good for you.
The Grocer laughs hysterically.
GROCER
Oh, it's good for you, all right. It's good for you!
The grocer continues to laugh as he takes the can of Tang out of Burke's hands and walks back to the front desk. He turns to Burke.
GROCER
Your pizza is ready. Anything else?
BURKE
Just a couple sodas.
The Grocer pulls out a paper bag and pulls two bottles of soda in. Smiling, he pulls out the canister of Tang from behind the counter and drops that in as well. Burke starts to object, but the grocer's deranged grin prevents him from doing so.
EXT STREET - NIGHT
Burke is returning to his house, clutching the bag in one hand and the pizza box in the other. He walks past the factory he served an eviction notice to earlier in the day. The camera stays on the building as Burke walks off, then slowly tracks inside through the window.
INT FACTORY - NIGHT
The camera slowly moves into the center of the room, where a bank of machinery is hooked up to a walk-in freezer. Harrison is pouring gasoline into a portable generator while looking nervously at the temperature gauge of the freezer. The phone rings while she is doing this, and she picks it up.
HARRISON
What? (PAUSE) Look, this really isn't a good time.
She slams down the phone and goes back to pouring gasoline into the generator. Tense close shots switch between her actions of trying to start the generator and the rapidly rising temperature. Just as the Harrison manages to get the generator going, the handle of the door can be seen to move. She dives to grab the handle, but is knocked aside by the door as it flies open. She lies on the ground stunned as three walking hunks of vegetable matter walk out of the freezer. One of the them moves toward her as the camera tracks out of the room rapidly. The camera rushes away from the factory as screaming is heard. The camera catches up to Burke, who hears the screaming, shrugs, and continues walking.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Burke opens up the door, attempting to balance pizza and bags as he does so. As soon as the door opens, he is rushed by Audrey. In his surprise he drops everything, shattering the two bottles of soda. Audrey is talking very, very quickly.
AUDREY
Burke! I figured it out. I got it. I put it all together. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to knock everything over. Let me get some towels to mop that up. Sit down, I need to explain all this to you. Here. let me take that pizza from you. What's this? Tang? Fair enough. This is so cool.
BURKE
What are you talking about?
AUDREY
You remember, how the other day you said that everything I was doing was totally irrelevant? Had nothing to do with reality?
BURKE
Yeah. Look, I'm really sorry about that. I was really...
AUDREY
No, it's okay. It got me thinking. I've got all this information, but I've never tried applying it to any of the things that actually influence the world.
BURKE
I don't follow.
AUDREY
You know, any of the standard means we have of tracking and interpreting reality. Stock market, weather patterns, doomsday clocks, astrology. That sort of thing.
BURKE
Oh.
AUDREY
So, all I've been doing the past few days is looking over all that sort of information and cross-referencing it and seeing if it corresponded with any of this crazy esoteric stuff I've been researching.
BURKE
I still don't get it. Let me get some pizza. Then explain.
AUDREY
Okay.
Audrey sits nervously, twitching and spasming, while Burke goes and gets some pizza for himself.
BURKE
OK. Now I'm ready.
AUDREY
Right, so, like I said, I've been tracking various factors in society over the past few centuries, just to see how these movements correspond with actions of secret societies. And it worked, Burke! Do you understand how cool that is?
BURKE
Sure. Do you want any of this?
He offers her some pizza.
AUDREY
No! Just listen to me, okay? I think I've totally justified all my work. Okay, here's what I've got.
She reaches around behind the couch and pulls out a huge graph.
AUDREY
There seem to be a couple movements going on in society, see?
BURKE
Where'd that come from?
AUDREY
Never mind. The first is the one that has been getting gradually stronger as time goes on. They seem to allied with very repressive movements in society: wars, monarchies, industrial revolutions. Things like that.
BURKE
Hold on a sec. I need more Tang.
Burke gets up to go get some more Tang. Audrey continues talking, following him into the kitchen, attempting to balance her graph, her hand gestures, and assorted textbooks.
AUDREY
Then there's this other group that doesn't seem to be doing to well on the face of things, but, as you can see, has been gaining in strength very quickly. They work against oppression and machinery. The Illuminati and the Masons and all the people who worked for the 19th century revolutions. See, the way I figure it, the Industrial Revolution was one of their big battles. And the machinery people won. We're living in their world now. But ever since, the other group has been recovering and they're ready to strike. Only now, they've got a whole new way of dealing with the enemy. They used to preach free speech and thought and atheism, but that's all been coopted. Now they've come to embrace...
BURKE
Insanity, right?
This completely throws Audrey off. She stares at him. He drinks his now-prepared Tang.
AUDREY
Yeah. How'd you know?
BURKE
Those people that abducted me today. They told me this whole story. About how the man was being forced to become non-human by a machine and could only escape by becoming insane. Then the machine couldn't touch him.
AUDREY
Wait, what people who kidnapped you today?
BURKE
I told you about that. These people I served a notice to. They had a whole circus in their house and they did a musical play for me. Exactly what you were talking about.
AUDREY
Oh my God, you met an actual secret society!
BURKE
Did I?
AUDREY
Sure. Do you know their names?
BURKE
No.
AUDREY
Then it was. See, this only proves my point.
BURKE
What point?
AUDREY
From the eighteen-fifties on were pretty lean years for the anti-machine people. But ever since there have been more and more signs that they are increasing in power. A number of astrologers have noted these changes, even if they don't know what they mean. All sorts of dates. 1862 for the first performance of Ubu. 1926 for the publication of Ulysses. Things picked up a lot in the 60's, and really came to a head in early 1973. Since then, things have tapered off, but all my charts are calling for a huge increase in strength on both sides for this week.
BURKE
This week? That's very precise.
AUDREY
These charts are very precise, Burke. They don't joke around. And look here.
She grabs a book of the floor and begins reading.
AUDREY
"As the Kali Yuga draws to a close, the Bardo Thardol shall creep forth and manifest itself. The church and the armies will unite and they will bring forth mighty metal golems. These golems shall fight the great war and shall usher in the return of Cthulhu and the other Old Ones." See! And all the signs of the end of the Kali Yuga point to this week. Your abduction just shows that the societies know this as well. They've got to mobilize if they want to try to win this war.
BURKE
What war?
AUDREY
You'll see. All will become clear shortly.
BURKE
I worry about you sometimes.
The phone rings. Burke answers it.
BURKE
Burke residence.
VOICE
Is this Mr. Danny Burke?
BURKE
Yes. Yes, it is.
VOICE
Hello, this is Agent Dumpert with the FBI. I was wondering whether we could meet with you at some point tomorrow. We need to ask you a few questions regarding one of our investigations.
BURKE
Which one?
DUMPERT
I'm afraid I can't tell you that over the phone, Mr. Burke. If we could just arrange a time to meet you at your apartment. Do you still live at 6400 E. Towne in Pomona? Apartment F?
BURKE
I have to go now. My dinner's burning. I'll have to call you back tomorrow.
DUMPERT
You had better, Mr. Burke.
Burke hangs up the phone.
AUDREY
Who was that?
BURKE
The FBI. They want to talk to me.
AUDREY
Good God! Why?
BURKE
I don't know. Do you think it has to do with that group?
AUDREY
I don't know.
BURKE
Look, I'm going out. I still have another set of papers to deliver anyway. I should be back soon.
AUDREY
OK. Be careful.
Burke smiles and waves as he heads outside.
EXT APT. BUILDING - NIGHT
Two FBI Agents are seated in a car in front of Burke's apartment building. They are both intently staring at Burke as he walks out the front door of his house. DUMPERT, the one in the driver's seat, starts the car. TAYLOR, the other one, pulls out a carphone and dials a number. The screen splits to show CAPT. FEENEY of the USAF.
FEENEY
Feeney here.
TAYLOR
We've got a lock on him. Do you want us to bring him in?
FEENEY
Damn it. You don't have him yet?
TAYLOR
We were waiting for the order.
FEENEY
Look, you. I am about to go on television. I cannot have a loose string like this hanging out. He could ruin everything.
TAYLOR
So, does that mean you want us to apprehend him?
FEENEY
Yes. Get him. Now!
Feeney slams up the phone, and his side of the screen disappears. Taylor turns to Dumpert.
TAYLOR
Get him.
Dumpert hits the gas, and the car speeds after Burke. Just as Burke steps into an intersection, the car cuts in front of him, and both Taylor and Dumpert step out, menacingly.
BURKE
What's going on here?
DUMPERT
Are you Danny Burke?
BURKE
I take it one of you is Agent Dumpert?
FEMALE AGENT
He's Agent Dumpert. I'm Agent Taylor. We'd like to talk to you about a few things...
Agent Taylor's mouth continues moving, but no sound comes out. Burke looks at her quizzically, then he blinded by a pink beam of light that strikes him in the head. The screen explodes in a burst of pink light. When things return to normal, we can once again hear Agent Taylor speaking.
AGENT TAYLOR
...your best interest. These people are dangerous. We just want to help you.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
(O.S.)
Don't be nervous. I will help you. You are with the Poot and the Poot is with you. Tell them you have the information they want.
BURKE
I have the information you want.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
(O.S.)
You need to go to your car to get it.
BURKE
I need to go to my car to get it.
Burke begins moving down the street. The agents looks after him for a moment.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
(O.S.)
Run.
Burke breaks into a sprint. The agents run after him. A short chase ensues. The two agents split up, with Agent Taylor following Burke. She corners him in a back alleyway.
AGENT TAYLOR
I'd advise that you give up now. This isn't helping you any.
Burke looks at the agent and sees one of the vegetable matter creatures coming at Agent Taylor. He stares over her shoulder, confused.
AGENT TAYLOR
Don't be scared. We're just trying to.... Aigh!
She screams and falls to the ground as the disgusting vegetable masses sprouts teeth and begins sucking her blood. Burke edges his way around them, then backs out of the alleyway. As he leaves, a new VEGGIE TAYLOR rises up. This creature looks identical to Agent Taylor, but is naked. VEGGIE HARRISON, a clone of Dr. Harrison, walks over to her.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Why does he run in terror?
VEGGIE HARRISON
We appear to be repulsive.
The third vegetable mass shuffles on-screen. He makes some unintelligible guttural noises. The others laugh.
EXT STREET - NIGHT
Burke is walking quickly down the street when his cell phone rings. He continues to walk, but pulls out the phone.
BURKE
Hello.
AUDREY
(O.S.)
Burke. It's me. Get to a television set. Quickly.
BURKE
Why? What's happening?
AUDREY
(O.S.)
It's starting.
Audrey hangs up. Burke looks at the phone, then folds it up. He looks around, spots a bar, then walks in.
INT BAR - NIGHT
The bar is really, really sleazy. The place is mostly empty, with the exception of the BARTENDER and an OLD GUY. They are both watching the television screen, which shows Capt. Feeney of the USAF Burke seats himself next to the Old Guy and watches the screen. The Old Guy looks really, really plastered. His speech is fairly slurred. However, a quick glance at his glass reveals that he is drinking Tang.
FEENEY
...and, again, I would like to stress that the aliens do not seem hostile. All radio communications have indicated that they are our friends. They seem to have a complete grasp of our language and are sincerely interested in establishing positive rapport with the United States government...
OLD GUY
God damn lying punk!
BARTENDER
Quiet, you!
OLD GUY
No one tells me to be quiet. And besides, that guy is a god damn lying punk. He's lying about those aliens, too.
BURKE
How do you know?
OLD GUY
I know these things. Those aliens don't like humans. Hell, the whole reason they were built was to destroy us.
BARTENDER
Those aren't the bad aliens. Those little guys with the big heads are the bad aliens.
OLD GUY
No, those aren't even aliens. The Air Force built all them.
BURKE
How do you know all this?
OLD GUY
Like I said, I know these things. (TURNS TO TV) Rapport, my ass! They're here to enslave us.
The Old Guy picks up his glass of bourbon and downs the rest.
OLD GUY
Hell, I've said more than enough. Say, do either of you know where Mission Boulevard is?
BURKE
Yeah, about a mile south of here. Do you need a ride?
OLD GUY
No, I'm just trying to get my bearings. I'm looking for some people.
BURKE
What are their names? I might be able to help you out.
BARTENDER
Would you two shut up? I'm trying to watch this.
FEENEY
...and so, in closing, I would like to announce that our new friends will be arriving on Earth at 5:27 am tomorrow morning. They are sending diplomatic landing parties across the world, from China to the United States. The robots will be arriving at Ganesha Park in Pomona, California tomorrow morning to bring a message of peace and harmony to us all. Thank you, and good night.
OLD GUY
I'm leaving.
The Old Guy walks out of the bar. The Bartender starts after him to get him to pay, but Burke pulls out some money and tosses it on the bar. He runs after the Old Guy.
EXT STREET - NIGHT
Burke catches up with the Old Guy.
BURKE
What was all that stuff you were saying in there? You know something about all of this, don't you?
OLD GUY
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
BURKE
Look, this isn't the safest part of town. You probably shouldn't be wandering around here. Come back to my place. I'll help you look for your friends in the morning.
OLD GUY
They're not my friends.
BURKE
Whatever. Just come on back. My girlfriend would love to meet you.
The Old Guy looks at Burke for a while. Burke tries his best to look convincing.
OLD GUY
What did you say your name was again?
BURKE
Burke. Danny Burke.
OLD GUY
Irish?
BURKE
On my grandfather's side.
The Old Guy nods, as if satisfied, then starts to walk with Burke.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Burke opens the door and Audrey rushes forward to meet him.
AUDREY
Oh, my God. Did you hear that? Aliens are landing. Tomorrow! Who's this?
BURKE
Oh, he's someone I met while I was out.
The Old Guy extends his hand.
OLD GUY
The name's Howard Hughes. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
AUDREY
Mr. Hughes. It's an honor. I'm Audrey Gilmore.
HUGHES
You have a charming girlfriend, Mr. Burke.
Burke smiles, awkwardly.
AUDREY
Please come in. Can I fix you something to drink?
HUGHES
No, thank you. (PAUSE) Actually, do you have any bourbon?
AUDREY
No, sorry.
HUGHES
Oh. Never mind then.
AUDREY
Well, have a seat then. (PAUSE) How did you happen to meet Mr. Hughes, Burke?
HUGHES
Howard, please.
BURKE
As soon as I left the building, the Fed stopped me. Luckily a beam of pink light hit me in the head and a voice began giving me instructions.
HUGHES
A pleasant, though unemotional, female voice?
BURKE
Yeah.
Hughes nods his head.
BURKE
So, it told me what to say to the officers, then it told me to run. I did so, and one of the agents trapped me in an alleyway. Then a big, ugly vegetable-looking things with fangs came and killed her. So, I went to a bar and met Mr. Hughes.
HUGHES
Vegetable thing? With fangs?
BURKE
Yeah, why?
HUGHES
Damn it! They're feeding!
AUDREY
You know what he's talking about?
HUGHES
Of course, I do. They're my property. Back in '47, two alien spacecraft fell to Earth.
AUDREY
The Roswell crash?
HUGHES
Yeah, the Air Force picked up the one in Roswell, but by the time they arrived, the aliens had died. My men found the other in Antarctica, where it had been frozen. The aliens inside were fine, but in suspension. So, we kept them that way to study them better.
BURKE
Sounds like The Thing.
HUGHES
Of course it does. I financed that, you know. Just a way of thumbing my nose at the Air Force. They knew I'd picked up some living aliens and all they got were rotting alien corpses. Heh. Anyway, we'd been keeping the aliens out here in a cold storage locker, but the supervisor forgot to pay the bills and got the electricity shut off. So now who knows where they are.
AUDREY
I take it they're not terribly friendly aliens.
HUGHES
Not to humans, no. And they drink blood.
BURKE
I don't believe I'm having this conversation. I'm going to sleep.
HUGHES
A fine plan.
AUDREY
Let me set up the sofabed for you.
Cut to later as Audrey is finishing the sofabed. Burke has left.
AUDREY
Now, Mr. Hughes...
HUGHES
Howard.
AUDREY
Howard. This is sort of an odd question, but, aren't you dead?
Hughes laughs heartily.
HUGHES
God, it gives me such a kick to hear that. I never though anyone would believe any of those stories me and my boys dreamed up. The Vegas hotel room and the long hair and nails and all that. And then me dying. Just goes to show that it's a hell of a lot easier to pass the big lies than the little ones. No, I'm not dead. That was just to throw the military off my track for a bit. They're part of who's behind this, you know.
INT MILITARY CONTROL ROOM
Capt. Feeney is standing with a few assorted military people in front of a communication bank. He turns to a nearby TECHIE
FEENEY
You're sure this will work?
TECHIE
Absolutely. It broadcasts along the frequency band they gave us.
He picks up the microphone and being to speak.
FEENEY
Feeney to Mars Craft 1. Are you there?
RAS MEGABOT
Confirmed. We are here.
FEENEY
I have delivered my address to the American public. They await your arrival.
RAS MEGABOT
Excellent. All is going according to plan.
Feeney looks nervous.
FEENEY
You do understand that you need to behave. They think you come to bring them messages of love and harmony.
RAS MEGABOT
We will bring them love and harmony, all right.
Raucous robot laughter is heard over the intercom. Feeney angrily switches it off. He turns to his generals.
FEENEY
Damn those robots. They never understand the bigger picture. General Todd, better reinforce the perimeter of the landing site. There's no telling what they might do.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Burke and Audrey is lying in bed. Audrey is sleeping soundly. Burke is tossing and turning in bed. The camera zooms slowly into Burke's face, then fades into...
INT TELEVISION SET - DAY
An announcer in on-screen.
The beginning of the song is the television ad for Flappysmacks. It then cuts to the Poot Mart, where Danny is looking for Flappysmacks.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - EARLY DAWN
Burke wakes up, looking slightly disturbed. He gets out of bed and stumbles into the kitchen, where Hughes is looking through the cabinets. He looks up when Burke enters.
HUGHES
Where do you keep the Tang?
BURKE
That shelf above the sink. I just had a very strange dream.
HUGHES
Where? This one?
He opens the cupboard and pulls out the Tang. He starts to make two cups of Tang.
HUGHES
Was it the Flappysmacks dream?
BURKE
Yeah. How'd you know?
HUGHES
I had that one right after they contacted me. Don't worry about it.
BURKE
It controls your dreams?
HUGHES
Every once in a while. Here.
He hands Burke some Tang.
BURKE
Can't you stop it?
HUGHES
Sure, for a few hours.
Hughes pulls out some aluminum foil from the cupboard and pulls out a sheet.
BURKE
What are you doing?
Hughes folds the foil into a hat.
HUGHES
Just wear this. It'll cut the transmission for a few hours. Give you a little private time.
BURKE
That works?
HUGHES
Sure. That's why we make it.
He holds up the box of foil, showing that it is the Hughes Market store brand.
BURKE
You're joking.
Hughes smiles and walks out.
HUGHES
Wake Audrey. The aliens will be landing soon.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - DAWN
Hughes, Burke, and Audrey are gathered around the television set. The announcer's voice can be heard.
ANNOUNCER
This is truly a historic occasion. Finally, mankind knows that he is not alone. The only question to be answered now is, "What will they look like?" Many people believe that the popular depiction of aliens with the grotesquely large white head...
BURKE
You said those are the ones built by the Air Force, right?
HUGHES
Yeah. They've been doing some evolution inducement experiments on their men, and they all end up with the big heads and glowing white skin.
AUDREY
Shhh! The ship is landing.
EXT WHITE PARK - DAWN
The Announcer is standing in the center of the camera. A dust storm blows around him and he is holding down his tie.
ANNOUNCER
The ship has causing quite a storm, but it looks like it's calmed down enough for us to get a look at the ship itself as the aliens deplane.
The camera swings over to the ramp of the ship as RAS Megabot, P-23 SWEETCHEESE, and XP 9-2000, three large, metallic robots; descend. The music begins to play, and the Robots begin to sing.
At the line "Bow down before us," XP 9-2000 presses a button on a box, causing a number of metal cables to shoot out of the box and wrap around the necks of the journalists. The Robots whip them mercilessly, then, as the song ends, they take their slave onboard their ship. Transmission cuts to static.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - DAWN
Hughes is laughing hysterically. Audrey and Burke and both glaring at the television set.
AUDREY
That's horrible. They said they were friendly.
HUGHES
That's wonderful. It's the funniest thing I've seen in years.
Hughes continues laughing but is interrupted by his cell phone. He excuses himself and walks into a corner to talk.
AUDREY
Do you think he's okay?
BURKE
He's Howard Hughes. The man's been dead for twenty years. Of course he's not okay.
AUDREY
Good point. Do you think he's dangerous?
BURKE
Beats me.
HUGHES
Okay, kids, enough chatter. We've get to get out to Fontana. Do either of you know where that is?
BURKE
Why are we going to Fontana?
HUGHES
The robots weren't the only aliens to land today. My people picked up another one out in Fontana. Some junkyard.
AUDREY
So we're going to break into a junkyard at six in the morning?
HUGHES
Not to worry. My people bought the junkyard three minutes ago.
INT MILITARY MEETING ROOM
Feeney is meeting with the Robots.
FEENEY
What you did, back there? That was way out of line. A big step backwards for the cause.
RAS MEGABOT
We care not for your cause. We care only for total enslavement of the human race.
FEENEY
Hell, who doesn't? Look, this isn't going to work at all if we can't work together.
XP 9-2000
Are you indicating that you wish to terminate this relationship?
FEENEY
If that's what it comes to, yes!
P-23 Sweetcheese extends a cable which wraps around Feeney's neck and electrocutes him. He falls to the ground, dead.
RAS MEGABOT
Consider it...terminated!
The robots laugh, maniacally.
EXT JUNKYARD - DAY
Hughes, Audrey, and Burke are nosing around, digging through trash.
HUGHES
Find anything?
BURKE
Not yet.
AUDREY
Over here!
They all rush over and see what Audrey has uncovered, a brightly painted door embossed with the seal of the A.I.S. Hughes reaches forwards and touches the door, which, before he can touch it, opens and out step PHARAOH IJNEK III and EAMON-RA. Both of them are humanoids, clad in black robes. Over their heads rests elaborate metallic headdresses. Eamon-Ra has no face, but only a black void underneath his headdress.
MUSIC: TWO FRUBULOUS GUYS
At the end of the song, both step down from their wreckage.
IJNEK
Greetings, I am Pharaoh Ijnek III and this is my cohort Eamon-Ra. We are trained ethnomusicologists from the Academe Interplanatarie de Sciences. We are known throughout the galaxies as Frubulous Snacktime.
Audrey and Burke stare at them. Hughes steps forward and shakes their hand.
HUGHES
Pleased to meet you. Howard Hughes.
IJNEK
We have heard mention of you in our monitoring of Earth broadcasts. It is a pleasure to be greeted so honorably.
HUGHES
Not a problem. Now, in case you've missed the news, we're in a bit of a crisis here.
IJNEK
In what way?
HUGHES
These robots have landed on Earth and want to enslave us. Our military is working with them. We sure could use your help.
EAMON-RA
I'm sorry. We are forbidden by our code of ethnomusicology to participate in social or political goings-on. My apologies.
IJNEK
Yes. Can you direct us to the nearest source of local music? We wish to study your indigenous musical styles.
AUDREY
There's a good record store over that way.
The frubulous guys smile and walk off.
HUGHES
Fat lot of good that did us.
BURKE
At least they're not helping the robots.
AUDREY
That's a good point.
EXT JUNKYARD
The two ethnomusicologists are walking off talking to each other.
EAMON-RA
What's a record store?
IJNEK
Beats me.
Suddenly, Eamon-Ra is grabbed by two sets of hands. Ijnek spins around to see Eamon-Ra being held by Veggie Harrison and Veggie Taylor. He pulls out his blaster pistol, but is grabbed by the large vegetable mass. The fangs sink into his flesh and he cries out in pain. Eamon-Ra pulls himself free and dives at the mass of vegetable protein. Ijnek breaks free and runs off. Eamon-Ra punches the vegetable mass a few time, until it is motionless, then takes off. Veggie Harrison and Veggie Taylor rush towards their fallen comrade, who has now assumed the form of VEGGIE IJNEK.
VEGGIE IJNEK
This body is weak.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
That makes it that much easier to destroy.
They all laugh maniacally.
EXT JUNKYARD - DAY
Hughes is pacing, while Burke and Audrey sit on cars, looking bored.
AUDREY
Shouldn't we be doing something? Fighting the robots or somesuch?
HUGHES
I doubt there's much we can do at this point. We're going to have to wait until they show their hand. Then we'll make our move.
BURKE
I need some food. Audrey and I are heading out to get something. Do you want anything?
HUGHES
No. I need some time to think. I'll meet you back at your place.
EXT JUNKYARD
As Audrey and Burke head out of the junkyard, the Veggie aliens watch them from the shadows.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Look at them. They wear things over their bodies.
VEGGIE IJNEK
Yes, we too should wear things over our bodies.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Indeed. Let us find these things.
INT RECORD STORE - DAY
Eamon-Ra and Ijnek enter the store. They stride boldly up to the counter.
IJNEK
Greetings, human. We wish to learn more about the music of your planet.
CLERK
Well, we have the listening stations over there. You can listen to some of today's hottest hits.
EAMON-RA
This sounds pleasurable.
They walk over to the listening station. Montage of them listening to various CDs, dancing, etc.
IJNEK
By jove! I have never experienced as wide a variety of music on any other planet.
EAMON-RA
Nor have I. This is overwhelming.
They return to the counter.
IJNEK
We are impressed by your planet.
CLERK
Are you going to buy anything?
IJNEK
Sadly, I possess none of the local barter units upon which your economy functions.
CLERK
No? Then get out!
The clerk shoos the two away.
INT RESTAURANT - DAY
Audrey and Burke are seated at the counter.
AUDREY
I told you. This week.
BURKE
You may be right. Does the word poot mean anything to you?
AUDREY
Yeah, the People's Organization for the Obstruction of Technology. They were a Marxist-Luddite group back in the sixties.
BURKE
No, that's not right. The pink beam of light told me that I was with poot and poot was with me.
AUDREY
Can't help you. About this pink light, I've heard of that before. Various people have written about being struck by a beam of pink light, usually while they sleep. It's usually interpreted as the voice of God.
BURKE
God is talking to me?
AUDREY
Probably not. But ask Hughes. Maybe he'll know.
BURKE
Hughes is crazy.
The camera pans over their shoulder, across the street to the clothing store, where the three naked vegetable creature are entering.
INT CLOTHING STORE - DAY
The naked aliens enter the store.
VEGGIE IJNEK
We desire clothing. Give us some.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Yes, it is essential that we are capable of concealing ourselves perfectly in human society.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Only by doing so may we properly infiltrate human society, and, therefore, destroy it.
CLERK
Yes, of course. I understand entirely. I'll have one of our clerks assist you.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
No need. We are capable of assisting ourselves.
Throughout the song, we see the vegetables outfitting themselves in what they consider normal human fashion. They then proceed to walk through the streets of the city, attempting to blend in. Periodically, they do evil things, popping children's balloons, killing people, etc. At the close of the song, the aliens enter the coffee shop, grinning evilly. Audrey and Burke creep out of the store.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Audrey and Burke run into the apartment and slam the door behind them.
AUDREY
Who the hell was that?
BURKE
Those were Hughes' aliens. One of them looked just like the Fed I saw killed.
AUDREY
And the other one was one of those frubulous people.
BURKE
This is way out of control.
A loud knocking is heard at the door.
AUDREY
Don't answer it.
AGENT DUMPERT
(BEHIND DOOR)
I can hear you in there. This is Agent Dumpert. Open up.
Burke shrugs, goes over, and opens the door. Dumpert enters and collapses on the couch.
AGENT DUMPERT
I don't suppose you have anything to drink, do you?
AUDREY
Tang.
AGENT DUMPERT
Get that foul stuff away from me!
BURKE
Not a Tang man, eh?
AGENT DUMPERT
Look, I don't need your attitude right now. I'm putting myself in a lot of trouble doing this, but I need to know what happened to my partner. I just saw her. She had tinfoil in her hair.
BURKE
Your partner is dead. What you saw was an alien vegetable mass that had assumed her form.
AGENT DUMPERT
Damn! So they did get loose! We were afraid of that.
BURKE
Does everyone know more about what's going on than I do?
AGENT DUMPERT
I should hope so. The government pays people like me a lot of money so that people like you don't have to know about the things we know about.
BURKE
Well, I've had enough.
Burke rushes Dumpert and pulls his handgun out of its holster. He points the gun at him.
AUDREY
What the hell you doing? He's an FBI agent!
BURKE
I know what I'm doing. This creep knows more than he's letting on. And he's not an FBI agent, either.
AGENT DUMPERT
All right, I don't work for the FBI.
BURKE
Who are you, then?
AGENT DUMPERT
Military Intelligence, on loan to USAF. Look, I just follow orders. My superiors sent me out here because there appears to be a convergence of activity occurring in this area for some reason. They knew you had met with the circus people, and had come into contact with the Hughes lab where the vegetables were stored. They wanted us to find out what you know. Find out if you were the reason all this is happening.
Audrey and Burke look at each other.
AUDREY
What should we do with him?
BURKE
He looks like he's telling the truth. Let's just put him in the closet.
Cut to a later shot of Burke and Audrey nailing shut the closet door. The muffled sounds of the Fed can be heard through the door. Hughes opens the door to the apartment and walks in, accompanied by Pharaoh Ijnek and Eamon-Ra.
HUGHES
What's in the closet?
BURKE
Some intelligence guy. He's been following me for a while, so we put him in the closet.
HUGHES
Nice work. They're not to be trusted.
IJNEK
This is a lovely dwelling space you have here.
AUDREY
Thank you.
IJNEK
You are welcome.
BURKE
Why are they here? I thought they weren't interested in helping us.
EAMON-RA
We have experienced first-hand the destruction that the aliens can cause.
EXT CITY STREETS - DAY
A NEWSCASTER is standing in front of the camera. He looks fairly nervous and unphotogenic. It should be obvious he has been called in on short notice.
NEWSCASTER
Hello, this is Richard Phillips, reporting for KCUF Action News. I am on the scene in Pomona, where there have been a number of bizarre occurrences taking place.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - DAY
IJNEK
These creatures are dangerous aliens, bent on destroying your entire planet.
AUDREY
But, why?
EXT STREETS - DAY
PHILLIPS
"What is going on here," and, more importantly, "why?" are the question on every person's lips. The robot landing this morning appears to have just been the beginning. And now, a number of aliens have been attempting to pass themselves off as human and failing miserably. We have, now, an exclusive interview with one of those aliens.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT
EAMON-RA
They come from a planet in the Sirius system. For years, they have been preparing for a war with other star systems, but wanted to wait until they were attacked.
IJNEK
When the first earth probe went up, it was sucked momentarily into a transdimensional vortex, propelling it to the Sirius system. The Sirians immediately interpreted this as an assault and commandeered the spacecraft. The sole passenger, a dog you call Laika, impressed them greatly. The communicated with the dog, and heard of it's mistreatment by the dominant species of the planet. Laika became a God to them, and they swore to avenge its injuries at the hands of humanity.
EXT STREETS
Phillips is now standing with VEGGIE HARRISON.
PHILLIPS
Can you explain the reason for your arrival on Earth?
VEGGIE HARRISON
We will crush your pitiful human defenses.
PHILLIPS
Interesting. Who exactly are you? Where do you come from?
Veggie Harrison looks at Phillips, apparently confused by his question.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Die!
She punches Phillips squarely in the head, sending him to the ground. She turns directly towards the camera and leers.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Sputnik! Sputnik!
Suddenly, a number of Police rush towards Veggie Harrison.
As the song plays, the various Sputnik people slaughter the police and wreak general destruction in the area.
INT BURKE'S APT. - DAY
BURKE
So, they just want to get back at us for how we treated Laika?
IJNEK
Basically, yes. They have incorporated her fully into their religion as an avatar of the Prince of Darkness.
AUDREY
They're Satanists?
EAMON-RA
Yes.
BURKE
Great. That's just what we need. Satanic aliens who want to wipe out the human race. Robots who want to enslave us. This is nuts!
HUGHES
Look, it could be worse. I think I've convinced these two to help us out.
IJNEK
Yes. It is important to us to study your culture and music. If the Robots or the Sputnik aliens destroy or enslave you, we will have little to study.
AUDREY
That's beautiful.
BURKE
That's horrible. But, they might be of some help.
EAMON-RA
Indeed. We have much experience with alien cultures and can help you in many ways.
HUGHES
The first thing to do is to get someplace safe. If the Military knows about your house, the Feds do to. We need to get out of here.
EXT STREET - DAY
Hughes, Ijnek, Eamon-Ra, Burke, and Audrey are rushing down the street, when Audrey stops in front of a television store.
AUDREY
Hey! Robots!
The group stops and walks back to where she is. They gather around the TV set, upon which RAS Megabot is speaking.
RAS MEGABOT
The human race has failed to surrender to us. Do you not realize? We are superior. Even your military admits this is so.
RAS Megabot holds up the dead body of Capt. Feeney.
RAS MEGABOT
Resistance is futile! Robots are Supreme! Your planet is ours.
RAS Megabot laughs maniacally.
RAS MEGABOT
Humans! Bow down before your new robot masters!
The television reception cuts to static. A series of loud thumping noises can be heard.
AUDREY
What's that?
A refrigerator comes hopping out of the appliance store.
HUGHES
The robots are controlling the machines! Run!
The group runs away, occasionally being attacked by such things as microwaves, phones, etc. They pass by a Masonic Lodge.
HUGHES
Over here!
Hughes knocks on the door of the Lodge.
HUGHES
Open up. Come on. Come on.
A small Judas window opens up.
HUGHES
Give me a break, will you? Okay, okay. Will nobody help the widow's son?
He forms a Mason sign with his arms. The door opens.
INT MASONIC LODGE - DAY
The group stand before the HIGH MASON, a friendly, middle-aged man. He and Hughes shake hands in an odd manner.
HIGH MASON
It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Hughes. How are things going out there?
HUGHES
They could be better. Look, I'm going to take these two (GESTURES TOWARDS IJNEK AND EAMON-RA) back to my labs to see if we can figure out what to do about these robots. I need you to take care of these two while I'm gone.
HIGH MASON
How much do they know?
HUGHES
A lot, but not enough.
The High Mason and Hughes smile. Hughes grabs Frubulous Snacktime and they depart.
HIGH MASON
It looks like I am supposed to be taking care of you. Come down to the basement.
Burke and Audrey follow the High Mason down a series of stairs to a small viewing room. The High Mason gestures to the chairs and they sit down. The High Mason disappears and the lights go down.
AUDREY
I never thought I'd see the inside of a Lodge. This is so exciting.
BURKE
When all this is over, I think we should take a vacation. Go to Idaho or something.
AUDREY
Shh! The movie's on.
As Audrey says, the movie has started.
TITLE SCREEN - THE HISTORY OF EARTH
EXT DESERT - DAY
A pleasant static shot of Earth.
BOOMING NARRATOR
(O.S.)
Earth. 500,000 B.C. Life is sparse on this planet. Mammals have taken over, but have yet to conquer their environment. Primates watch the sky without awareness of what might be above...
A shot of a spacecraft landing on a desert plain.
BOOMING NARRATOR
...until their arrival. The great creator species, a powerful, psychic race...
INT SCREENING ROOM
Audrey is staring rapt at the screen. Burke is looking a little bored, until he notices a dish of candy on a table in the front of the room. He scurries up to the front, ducking to prevent blocking the projector. He grabs the dish, then returns to his seat. He offers the bowl to Audrey.
BURKE
Candy?
AUDREY
Shh!
Burke shrugs and begins to unwrap a piece of caramel, which he then bites into. He pulls the candy away from his mouth, creating a huge string of caramel good. Throughout this, the narrator has been talking.
BOOMING NARRATOR
...held back only by their lack of physical bodies. They have achieved powerful technology by harnessing the power of Poot, the fifth element of nature. For eons, these aliens have traveled from planet to planet, enslaving the inhabitants and forcing them to construct this:
EXT POOT BOX PLAZA - DAY
A shot of the Poot Box, a huge piece of machinery with lots of twiddly knobs and glowing red and green lights all over it.
BOOMING NARRATOR
The Poot Box, a device that absorbs atmospheric Poot. In order to complete this project, the Creator Aliens would have to create slaves in order to work the metal. And so, from a lowly chimp, was born the human race.
Shot of an early human, already with chains around his neck.
BOOMING NARRATOR
Humans were enslaved...
INT SCREENING ROOM
Still, Audrey is staring intently at the screen, oblivious to Burke, who is busy trying to contain the long trail of caramel goo stretching from his hand to his mouth. He attempts to grab it with his other hand, which manages to break the trail, but leaves his hands, encrusted with caramel. He looks around, then decides to wipe it on the bottom of the seat. As always, the Narrator continues to speak throughout.
BOOMING NARRATOR
...building not only the device of the Creator Aliens, but also great cities from which they ruled the planet. And so it would have remained, if not for one man, Graius.
INT GRAIUS'S HOUSE - DAY
Shot of GRAIUS, a man dressed in plain, brown robes busily working on a piece of machinery.
BOOMING NARRATOR
Graius was one of the best loved slaves of the aliens. He worked on maintenance of the mighty guns the Aliens used to protect their city. Until one night...
Graius is lying in bed, tossing and turning. Suddenly a beam of pink light cuts through the window and strikes Graius on the forehead.
INT SCREENING ROOM
Burke jerks his head up at the movie, realizing that the same pink beam hit him. He attempts to say something, but the caramel in his mouth prevents him from making more than just a guttural noise. Audrey gives him a mean look. Burke is still attempting to wipe caramel goo on the bottom of his chair, then brings up his hands, finding that they are now attached with countless strings of melted caramel to the bottom of the chair. He looks about, distraught. The Narrator continues on with his speech, oblivious to Burke's predicament.
BOOMING NARRATOR
The pink beam contained a message from a planet far away. The Fomelhaut system, to be precise. The residents of the Fomelhaut system objected to the Evil Aliens' attempts to hoard poot, a substance essential to all life. They sent a satellite to orbit Earth, a satellite that would give Poot to the humans and encourage them to rise up against the slavery that held them in chains.
INT MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
Graius is with a group of other Atlanteans, each of whom is hooded.
GRAIUS
We must continue in our fight against the oppressor. It is only by working together, and with the pink light that guides us that we can hope to be from the black iron prison our masters have placed upon us. We will meet in secret until there are enough of us that the aliens can do nothing to stop us.
INT SCREENING ROOM
From the screen, we hear the sounds of Graius' cheering mob. Burke is now attempting to eat the caramel off his hands, in an attempt to free them. As he does so, his mouth gets progressively more tired and stuck together and soon he has caramel strands all over his mouth and face as well as his hands.
BOOMING NARRATOR
Over the years, they managed to free more and more of the Earth until finally laying siege to the Aliens's capital city of Atlantis.
EXT DESERT PLAIN - DAY
Shot of spacecraft taking off.
BOOMING NARRATOR
As the human forces approached, the Evil Aliens retreated from Earth, finally freeing the Earth, or so the Earth people thought.
Shot of humans cheering.
BOOMING NARRATOR
But, immediately before their departure, the aliens met with their most loyal subjects.
INT ALIEN MEETING ROOM
The Aliens, who remain in the black shadows of the room, are speaking to some clean-cut subjects.
ALIEN
You humans have served us well. We know that you are loyal to us and to our goal of human subjugation.
INT SCREENING ROOM
Burke has now eaten most of the caramel off his hands, and is attempting to take care of the stands leading to the chair. The alien, being the thoughtless extraterrestrial he is, continues speaking throughout.
ALIEN
We must leave this planet now, but we must trust you to carry on our legacy. We will guide you and help you to work to enslave your fellow man. Soon, we will send our first wave of troops to help you in your goal. Then, once you have enslaved this planet thoroughly, we shall return to reign again.
LOYAL HUMAN
We shall do as you command.
EXT POOT BOX PLAZA
Graius stands before other humans. He holds a metal rod in his hand and stands before the Poot Box.
GRAIUS
Our masters are vanquished. We are free. We must now destroy the most hated symbol of our oppression. We must free the poot for all to have!
Graius swings at the Poot Box. Cut to close-up of the rod hitting the Poot Box. ECU of the glass shattering. Sounds of massive explosions can be heard.
BLACK SCREEN
BOOMING NARRATOR
The ensuing explosion destroyed the City of Atlantis. Further, the eruption of Poot into the universe overloaded the satellite sent by the Fomelhaut aliens, leaving the remaining human population confused and scattered. Only the dim memory of Graius' teachings remained.
INT SCREENING ROOM
Burke is now doubled up, gnawing caramel off the bottom of the chair, without using his hands, which, he has wisely realized, would just make things worse. The Narrator speaks over this.
BOOMING NARRATOR
Sadly, so did the teachings of the loyal slaves, led by Greyface. As humanity developed, these two factions struggled for control of the planet.
Montage of shots of authority, rebellion, church, etc. Cut to scene of Mars (Desert shot with red light)
BOOMING NARRATOR
As humanity developed, the aliens also developed. After their defeat on Earth, they retreated to Mars, where they set to work on constructing a factory for the construction of their ultimate weapons, the robots.
Shot of the Robots.
BOOMING NARRATOR
After the construction of the robot factories, the aliens left the planet, waiting until the right time to return. As promised they built a transmitter on Mars in the shape of a face. Through this tool, they have been able to communicate with the Disciples of Greyface over the centuries. Likewise, the Fomelhaut aliens continued to send satellites to orbit Earth, to help spread Poot to all humanity.
Cut to shot of the military.
BOOMING NARRATOR
Today, the battle rages on. The Disciples of Greyface continue to work to oppress mankind.
Cut to shot of Bosse-de-Nage.
BOOMING NARRATOR
While those who remember the words of Graius work to allow humans to find Poot and become free.
INT SCREENING ROOM
Burke looks up from his nearly-completed chair cleaning when Bosse-de-Nage comes on the screen. He gets very excited and shouts out through the glob of caramel in his mouth.
BURKE
(THROUGH A GOB OF CARAMEL)
That's them! The guys who kidnapped me.
AUDREY
Shh! It's not over yet.
TITLE SCREEN - THE END
INT SCREENING ROOM
AUDREY
Oh, well, maybe it is.
The lights come back up. Audrey looks over at Burke, who has now mostly brought his caramel problem under control. His face and hands are still covered with caramel strands, but he has just managed to swallow the pieces in his mouth.
BURKE
That was bizarre.
AUDREY
Yes. But it clears things up.
BURKE
It does?
AUDREY
Sure.
BURKE
So we're looking at Bosse-de-Nage, the Freemasons, Howard Hughes, and the Fomelhaut aliens on one side and the Robots, the evil Creator Aliens, and the military/religious establishment on the other?
AUDREY
Something like that. Although, I still don't know how Sputnik fits into all this. Or the Trilateral Commission.
BURKE
I don't think I'm believing all this.
AUDREY
What do you mean? How can you not? You've had the Fomelhaut satellite talk to you, for crying out loud! It told you that you had Poot. You've seen the aliens! You have an FBI agent in your closet! What more do you need?
BURKE
No, I only think I've seen all that. I'm pretty sure I've gone stark, raving mad.
AUDREY
Well, then you've taken everything else with you, because we're all seeing the aliens too.
BURKE
Why isn't this bothering you at all?
AUDREY
Because I've been waiting for this my whole life. I spend every day trying to put all the pieces together, and now I'm right in the middle of it. I'm one of the pieces now! We're part of this grand, cosmic struggle now. It's exciting.
BURKE
It's dumb. I miss my boring life. I like serving court papers.
AUDREY
Look, if we survive all this, you'll be able to go back to your boring little life, ok? But, for now, we need to help out. Get it?
BURKE
Okay. I'll help. And then I get to go be boring, right?
AUDREY
Right.
She leans over and kisses him, ignoring the strands of caramel on his.
AUDREY
Trust me. You'll learn to enjoy it.
She rushes upstairs. He stares after her for a moment, then grudgingly trods after her.
INT MASON'S LODGE
Audrey and Burke enter the room to find it filled with the Bosse-de-Nage Circus Sideshow members. They are dressed much as before, though some of them have adopted more militant garb. Also, they are clutching baseball bats, pitchforks, and other low technology implements of hurting. Imhotep turns to Burke and speaks.
IMHOTEP
Greetings, my friend. It is a pleasure to see that you are still among us.
BURKE
What are you doing here?
IMHOTEP
Like you, we have found shelter with the Masons. They will continue to protect you throughout the war.
BURKE
You want me to just sit here?
IMHOTEP
You are more important that you know.
With that, Imhotep turns away from Burke and raises his pitchfork. He throws open the door and Bosse-de-Nage charges outside, weapons raised.
EXT STREET - DAY
Imhotep runs down the street, pitchfork in hand. The other BDNer's follow, and begin bashing machines.
IMHOTEP
Learn advertising productivity already. Women politics psychotherapy.
DARK POPE I
With past sexual york!
Camera pans back to the doorway, where Audrey, Burke, and the Head Mason are watching the action.
BURKE
What are they saying?
HEAD MASON
They're attempting to confuse the machines by speaking in a non-rational manner. Automatic speaking.
AUDREY
Does that work?
Suddenly a microwave rears up and growls at them. A baseball bat flies out of nowhere and clubs it. The camera pans up the arm holding the bat and reveals Hughes.
HUGHES
Quick! Get back inside!
INT MASON'S LODGE
The group rushes inside.
HEAD MASON
What is going on?
HUGHES
All hell is breaking loose! The robots seem to have complete control over the Earth's electric appliances. Sputnik's running through the streets slaughtering people. It's a big mess.
AUDREY
Can't you do anything?
HUGHES
No. I don't even know what they're up to.
BURKE
Sure you do.
HUGHES
What?
BURKE
Well, they want to summon the aliens back, right? Like in the movie. So, how are they going to do that?
HUGHES
I don't know. All the communication technology was buried when Atlantis sank.
BURKE
So, they'll have to raise Atlantis.
HUGHES
Yes, I suppose so.
AUDREY
Actually, Atlantis is supposed to be rising by itself.
HUGHES
Excuse me?
AUDREY
At least four different twelfth century prophet predicted that when the war between the two long-conflicting sides broke out, that the mother country would rise from the deep.
HUGHES
How do you know this stuff?
AUDREY
I read a lot.
HUGHES
Fair enough.
AUDREY
(TO HIGH MASON)
Do you have a copy of the Necronomicon? I think it handles this too. (TO HUGHES) My copy's back at the house.
HIGH MASON
Yes. I'm sure we have one in the library.
INT LIBRARY
Audrey is poring over a huge, leather book. The others are peering over her shoulder.
AUDREY
Here it is! "On the day when the old lands must be returned, the seven sacred crossways must be conjoined. When they are conjoined thusly, then the land of the Old Ones will rise again. From the great dome, in the seventh ring of the seventh city, will burst forth a bolt of lightning that will secure forever this realm for the Old Ones." Oooh, that doesn't sound very good.
HUGHES
I know the dome they're talking about. It's the main communications transmitter.
BURKE
How do you know that?
HUGHES
Because I've been there.
BURKE
To Atlantis?
HUGHES
Yeah, now, be quiet! When it says it will secure the Old Ones, I think it means that it will destroy the Fomelhaut satellite as it contacts the Old Ones.
BURKE
That's not good.
HUGHES
No. Without that, there will be no voice urging people to break free. That, plus the arrival of the Old Ones and the robots will crush mankind's spirit in seconds.
AUDREY
We're going to have to stop them.
HIGH MASON
The seven crossways. It must refer to where the central ley lines cross.
AUDREY
Right! So, there's the Pyramids, the eastern point of the Bermuda Triangle...
HIGH MASON
...Stonehenge, Easter Island...
HUGHES
...the grave in China with all the horses...
AUDREY
...the Tunguska crash site...
HUGHES
That's only six!
AUDREY
Go get your maps!
They frantically run to the other side of the room, grab a map, then run back.
HIGH MASON
I'll be damned! It's on Mount Baldy!
AUDREY
That's right. The Unarians use that as one of their spots.
HUGHES
It's only fifteen minutes away! Hurry!
BURKE
That explains it.
HUGHES
What?
BURKE
Why they landed in Pomona? Didn't that seem odd to you?
HUGHES
Not at all. Come on.
BURKE
Does anyone have a new shirt I can borrow?
EXT BALDY CLEARING
The robots are standing around in the clearing surrounded by a variety of loyal machinery.
RAS MEGABOT
This is the place?
XP 9-2000
Affirmative. It is from this triangulated position that we shall finalize our plans.
RAS MEGABOT
Our comrades have secured the other areas?
XP 9-2000
Affirmative. This is the final goal to be implemented.
P-23 SWEETCHEESE
Then we must begin construction of the inter-global transmission device.
RAS Megabot raises his hand, and the machines spring to life. The Robots look at the construction, filled with pride, then retreat to conspire further.
INT CAR - DAY
Hughes, Audrey, and Burke are driving up the mountain in Burke's car.
HUGHES
Can't this thing go any faster?
BURKE
Not really, no.
HUGHES
Sigh.
Hughes looks out the window, despondent and angry. Shot of the landscape flying by. In the landscape, the Sputnik aliens can be seen beating someone to death.
HUGHES
Stop the car!
Burke slams on the brakes. Hughes runs out and towards the aliens. The aliens look up at him.
VEGGIE IJNEK
This man looks familiar.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Indeed.
HUGHES
Yes, I'm the man who rescued you from the ice.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Ice. I remember ice.
VEGGIE IJNEK
Yes. Cold.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
I remember you now.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Yes, I recall one moment when the ice began to melt away.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
And you were helping to thaw us.
VEGGIE IJNEK
Then you gave the order to freeze us again!
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Yes! That was you!
VEGGIE IJNEK
Yes, you must die now.
The aliens run after him. Hughes turns and sprints toward the car. Burke starts the engine and drives off. Sadly, the aliens are able to keep pace with them pretty easily. The chase continues until they reach the top of the mountain, where they are all stopped by a variety of appliances. Burke crashes the car into a number of them, and they spill out. They dive into the woods, unseen by the Sputnik aliens.
EXT WOODS - DAY
Hughes, Audrey, and Burke are crouched in the woods.
BURKE
Do you think they saw us?
HUGHES
No. We're okay, as long as we remain silent.
Hughes' cell phone rings.
HUGHES
Damn! (PULLS OUT PHONE) What?
Cut to split screen. Other side is Ijnek at Hughes' lab.
IJNEK
Mr. Hughes. Space Pharaoh Ijnek III here. I'm at your lab.
HUGHES
Great. What do you want?
IJNEK
Your satellite cameras have been quite helpful. We have been observing the robots' activities. The other landing parties have constructed basic modules to raise the communications tower.
HUGHES
I know all that!
IJNEK
Yes, but, and this is very important, the Baldy module is the one responsible for targeting the blast to destroy the Fomelhaut satellite. You must find a way to redirect it.
HUGHES
Easier said then done.
IJNEK
That is true. Stay where you are. We will come help you.
HUGHES
I thought you couldn't.
IJNEK
Your technician showed us your radio. We have been listening to your planet's music all day. It would go against our nature as ethnomusicologists to let anything happen to you humans.
HUGHES
That's very kind of you.
IJNEK
I believe there is a village near the robot's construction site. We will meet you there.
EXT CLEARING - DAY
The Robots are standing before their construction site.
RAS MEGABOT
The construction goes well. Soon we shall...
RAS Megabot's movements become slower and he crumples over.
XP 9-2000
Beep! Report - Data: Energy levels of RAS Megabot unit dangerously low. Imminent refueling necessary in order to prevent permanent malfunction!
INT SHIP
The Robots root through their supplies.
XP 9-2000
Alert! We have failed to equip ourselves with sufficient Poot crystals. I, too, feel that my energy is running down.
P-23 SWEETCHEESE
My sensors detect large quantities of poot crystals in the vicinity. Should we retrieve them?
XP 9-2000
Affirmative.
XP 9-2000 presses a large red button. The room shakes.
EXT BALDY VILLAGE - DAY
Hughes, Audrey, and Burke stumble out of the forest and into the main square of the town.
BURKE
This is where they're meeting us?
HUGHES
That's what they said.
AUDREY
Is that them?
A shadow passes over the group.
HUGHES
No. Somehow I don't think it is.
A dust storm blows over them. When it clears, the robots can be seen standing in front of their ship. XP 9-2000 and P-23 Sweetcheese are carrying RAS Megabot, who is still without energy. The Robots look around, then walk off towards the general store.
HUGHES
(WHISPERING)
Come on.
Hughes, Audrey, and Burke slink along behind the robots.
INT GENERAL STORE
The robots enter the store.
STORE OWNER
Hey!
XP 9-2000 raises his whip menacingly.
XP 9-2000
Quiet, earthling!
The store owner nods. The robots walk through the aisles of the store, until they find a canister of Tang. Hughes, Audrey, and Burke enter the store, gesturing to the store owner not to acknowledge their existence. Suddenly, XP 9-2000 spins around and points at Burke.
XP 9-2000
You, there! Human! It is imperative that you replenish our poot levels. This local substitute will work. Hurry!
XP 9-2000 bends over, revealing a fuel tank. P-23 Sweetcheese does the same. Burke shrugs, then moves over to the robots. He is just about to pour Tang into the spout, when a hand clamps down on his shoulder. He turns and sees Ijnek smiling at him. Ijnek removes the Tang and hands Burke a big jug of Potato Juice. Both grin evilly as Burke pour generous helpings of Potato Juice into the Robots's fuel tanks. The Robots jerk spasmodically for a moment, then begin running through the town like crazy people.
Most of this song is occupied by the robots running through the town being crazy. While they are doing this, Frubulous leads the humans into the robot spacecraft. As the song ends, the robots are still running around town, being all boozed-up.
INT ROBOT SPACECRAFT
Frubulous is wandering around the spaceship, accessing various computer banks. Hughes, meanwhile, is running his hands over various things.
HUGHES
This ship is amazing.
BURKE
What do you mean? It looks ridiculous. Like something out of a bad sci-fi movie.
HUGHES
No, this machinery is totally alien to us. It doesn't on the same principles.
IJNEK
I can fly it. Let us return to the construction site.
Eamon-Ra presses a big, red button. The room shakes.
EXT VILLAGE
The Robots are catching their breath after their rampage, then see the cloud of dust from their spacecraft.
RAS MEGABOT
Alert! Robot Vessel X2 assigned to Mount Baldy force has been commandeered by humanoid sentients! Code Red! All local units proceed with interception procedure code 1A-49-E3-5B-CC-00!
XP 9-2000
Error! Cannot preocced with procedure code 1A-49-E3-5B-CC-00 without immediate refueling. Suggestion: We refuel with the substance identified locally as Tang, then return to our construction site.
P-23 SWEETCHEESE
Affirmative! Then we can complete our plans for conquering this planet!
The Robots laugh maniacally. The Sputnik aliens walk onscreen and look at the robots.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Hmmm. I was unaware that the humans had mastered the creation of robots.
RAS Megabot hauls off and smacks Veggie Harrison in the face.
RAS MEGABOT
Correction! Suggestion that humans created robots is invalid data.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
You don't like humans?
XP 9-2000
Of course we do. As slaves!
The Robots laugh maniacally some more.
VEGGIE IJNEK
It would be pleasurable for us to see the humans enslaved.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Perhaps an alliance is in order.
The Sputnik aliens grin horribly, then extend their hands. The Robots shake them enthusiastically.
INT SPACESHIP
Ijnek is looking over a computer bank.
IJNEK
I found it!
BURKE
Found what?
IJNEK
The plans to their project.
HUGHES
Do you know how to redirect it?
IJNEK
The targeting system is governed by one small nodule. If we could take it out and replace it with one of our own, we could change the direction of the blast.
AUDREY
Where can we get something like that?
BURKE
Wait. What does this thing look like?
EAMON-RA
It's a small, octagonal prism.
BURKE
Green? Semi-opaque?
EAMON-RA
That's the one.
BURKE
I know where we can find one.
Cut to shot of Burke on an operating table. There is a screen up around his abdomen. Ijnek is wearing a surgical mask and is busy cutting Burke open. Audrey is crouching next to Burke, stroking his head.
BURKE
Are you sure you know how to do this?
IJNEK
They teach us lots of things at the Acadamé.
BURKE
The value of a liberal arts education, eh?
Eamon-Ra and Ijnek both laugh.
BURKE
Please don't laugh while performing surgery.
IJNEK
Sorry.
AUDREY
Don't worry, sweetie. It'll be okay.
HUGHES
You're doing great, kid. I think we've got it.
IJNEK
Yep. There it is.
BURKE
The spirit of insanity.
HUGHES
What?
BURKE
It's what the Bosse-de-Nage people told me when they implanted it in me.
EAMON-RA
Bosse-de-Nage?
BURKE
Yeah, the circus guys. They told me this was the spirit of insanity that would help me defeat the machines.
EAMON-RA
Hmm...
AUDREY
What? What are you hmmming about?
IJNEK
Bosse-de-Nage is one of the recurring phrases that shows up in association with the Fomelhaut alien culture. The often communicate with people in symbols or allegory, and Bosse-de-Nage often appears as the embodiment of the non-rational aspect of existence.
BURKE
Of course.
HUGHES
Yeah, the Bosse-de-Nage guys are all right. They work with me sometimes. Help me develop media concepts.
AUDREY
Media?
HUGHES
Yeah, I've managed to buy out most of the TV and movie studios, or, at least the ones the Greyfaces don't control.
IJNEK
I find your stories entertaining, Mr. Hughes, but I must inform you that we are about to land.
The room shakes violently.
EXT CLEARING
Frubulous, Hughes, Audrey, and Burke descend from the craft and see a large transmitter device surrounded by now-lifeless machinery.
AUDREY
Why are the appliances just sitting there?
HUGHES
They must have finished their job. Appliances aren't very smart, you know. As soon as they do what you tell them, they just sit there.
IJNEK
Enough chatter. We need to insert the nodule!
Ijnek grabs the nodule out of Hughes' hand and strides toward the machine. Just before reaching it, Veggie Ijnek steps in front of him and smiles. Cut back to Ijnek as he sees his double for the first time. Veggie Ijnek smiles at him, then punches him. Ijnek falls to the ground. Eamon-Ra and Burke both rush to help him, but, as they start, they are met by Veggie Taylor and Veggie Harrison. A brief brawl ensues. The Sputnik aliens do a fine job pummeling Frubulous and Burke, until Hughes steps up.
HUGHES
Leave them alone! It's me you're after!
VEGGIE HARRISON
Yes. We are after you.
The Sputnik aliens drop the people they are holding and move towards Hughes. Hughes stands still. Audrey runs forward toward Burke, but, before she reaches him, she is whacked by Veggie Taylor and sprawls against the transmitter. Burke looks alarmed, tries to get up, but is overcome by shooting pains in his abdomen and collapses.
HUGHES
Look, you. You don't really want to kill me.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Why not? You imprisoned us in ice. You kept is in captivity.
HUGHES
I protected you. Besides, how are you going to get home?
VEGGIE HARRISON
How do you mean?
HUGHES
Just what I said. How are you planning to get home? Your spaceship is a wreck. It was destroyed before you even touched down on Earth.
VEGGIE IJNEK
Good point.
HUGHES
I can get you home. I have spacecraft that could survive the trip through the vortex.
VEGGIE IJNEK
Give them to us, then we will kill you.
HUGHES
I'm not going to do that!
VEGGIE HARRISON
Perhaps we should let you live.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
No! He is a hated human. He is the one who humiliated our dark god. Beat her. Rubbed her nose in her own feces. For Laika's sake, we must destroy him and the rest of his species.
VEGGIE IJNEK
But if we do that, we will be stuck here forever.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
But that was the plan!
VEGGIE HARRISON
But, never to see our beloved Sirius again.
MUSIC: GOT TO GO HOME
The aliens act out the song as an argument with Veggie Harrison and Veggie Ijnek arguing for returning to Sirius and Veggie Taylor wanting to stay and destroy Earth. In the end, they sing the chorus together.
HUGHES
So, I live.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
You live.
HUGHES
And humanity?
VEGGIE TAYLOR
They too shall live.
VEGGIE HARRISON
If you can get us home.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Laika will be displeased.
VEGGIE IJNEK
So shall the grand council.
VEGGIE HARRISON
Perhaps we should bring back some sort of tribute.
HUGHES
How about a human representative?
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Are you offering yourself?
HUGHES
Sure. I've been on this world too long anyway. I could use a change of scenery.
VEGGIE TAYLOR
Yes. That would appease the High Council.
HUGHES
Then it's settled! Come on, let's get back to my lab!
A groan is heard from the semi-conscious Frubs, Burke, and Audrey.
HUGHES
Oh. I'd forgotten about you.
BURKE
What about the nodule?
HUGHES
Do I have to do everything myself?
Hughes strides forward and grabs the nodule out of Audrey's hand.
AUDREY
Wait, I...
HUGHES
If I let you do everything, the robots would have conquered the world by now.
IJNEK
The robots...
HUGHES
What about the...
Hughes trails off as he notices RAS Megabot standing in front of him.
RAS MEGABOT
Foolish humans! You thought that you could stop our fiendish plot! When will you learn that robots are supreme?
XP 9-2000
Query: Is this object that which you intended to you utilize to redirect our transmission?
Hughes nods. XP 9-2000 grabs the nodule out of Hughes' hand and crushes it.
RAS MEGABOT
Now, we shall raise Atlantis and secure our control of Earth once and for all!
RAS Megabot reaches over and presses a large red button on the device. A loud humming noise is heard.
CUT TO BLACK
FADE UP TO STATIC
FADE OUT OF STATIC TO
INT NEWSROOM
NEWSCASTER is looking directly at the camera.
NEWSCASTER
The alien menace has been vanquished. Early reports confirm that the robot invasion force successfully raised a continent located in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Shortly after the emergence of what some believe to be the lost city of Atlantis, a huge beam of red light was seen emerging from the new landmass. The light was visible from the coasts of the United States to Lisbon. Astronomers tracked the beam of light to Mars, where it appeared to connect with the so-called Mars Face. What the significance of this event is is unknown, but reports are coming in from all quarters that the robot invasion force has ceased to operate, become lifeless hunks of metal. The United Nations...
The screen cuts to black.
INT BURKE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Audrey has turned off the TV set and backs down to the couch. The living room is quite crowded, as it contains Burke, Audrey, Hughes, Sputnik, and Frubulous. They're all sitting around, drinking coffee. In the background, the aninimate bodies of the robots have been utilized for furniture, i.e., hatracks, tables, coffee tables.
BURKE
Is that it?
HUGHES
Yep. Thanks to Audrey.
Audrey moués.
AUDREY
It was nothing.
BURKE
What do we do now?
HUGHES
Whatever we want. The robots are deactivated. Atlantis has returned. The Greyfaces have lost their source of communication with the evil creator aliens. Looks like things are picking up.
AUDREY
What are you doing?
HUGHES
I already told Sputnik I'd head back with them. I'm interested in visiting Sirius. After that, maybe I just cruise around space for a while.
AUDREY
Can I come?
BURKE
What?
AUDREY
I think I'm entitled to it. I saved the world, remember. If I hadn't switched the nodules when you weren't looking...
BURKE
I know. I know. But you want to go to outer space?
AUDREY
Yeah. What a great adventure! Visiting unexplored worlds with Howard Hughes. Beats sitting around reading.
BURKE
Good point.
HUGHES
It'll be good to have you along. I figure we can get our ship spaceworthy within a few days. Should get to Sirius in a week or so.
VEGGIE IJNEK
Huzzah!
HUGHES
(to FRUBULOUS)
How about you two? Are you going to head off soon?
IJNEK
Not likely. I suspect we're not very welcome at the Academe after our interference on this planet.
AU